eUSA Encourages Citizens to Play with Themselves
NickSentowski
As the third round of battles are about to begin in eUSA's recently captured territory of Baja, some experts are analyzing whether or not the country is sending the proper message to its youth.
"Children are impressionable these days," says child psychologist Dr. Steven Mirkes. "I meet at least one teenager every day who views eUSA's "RWAR" policy as a free ticket for day-long, bi-weekly masturbation sessions... Not that their's anything wrong with that."
The argument does hold ground. Every Monday and Friday night, eUSA creates a resistance war with itself, then encourages its citizens to spend all of their money and energy fighting against the very war they just started. Dr. Mirkes adds, "Much like a child of today clinching on to the underwear sections of the latest Wal-Mart add while pleasuring him or herself, nobody is getting hurt, and they're all gaining experience that they may one day put toward a 'real' opportunity. The biggest difference is that the adolescents don't need to move to Florida for a quality shower after 'the battle' is over."
Some parents however, do not feel the same way. "What Dr. Mirkes doesn't realize is that some people in this country only have one bathroom" argues single mother, Lisa Iverson, "Sure, It's great to let little Johnny 'explore himself', but he needs to come out of there some time. I've got to put my face on before work!"
Reverend Andrew Carter has yet another opinion, "War is never a viable solution, and neither is pleasuring oneself. This country and the children it influences are doing nothing more than feeding into the greed, hate, and lust that is destroying the fabric of the American family. I'm afraid that this 'exploration', as the doctors call it, will eventually lead to high levels of extroversion and anti-socialism, eventually tearing apart our small communities."
A member of the video game developers' community, whom asked us not to reveal his identity or that of his employer went on record saying, "While I don't represent the entire industry, I think it's fairly safe to say that the industry is excited by the potential new client base that is out there. Many parents believe that gamers are prone to masturbation. While our research does show a direct relationship, the most recent study indicates that one is much more likely that people games as a result of their other habits." -- fnyn
Comments
This paper has made me laugh twice in a row now, you've got my lifetime subscription. Keep up the good work.
You do know that playing with yourself is good for your wellness, don't you?
Same thing in-game, btw.
Good job! LMAO
When I read the title I knew I was going to vote.
i prefer the kohl's ads to the wal-mart ads...the girls are a little classier...
Mark Twain would be proud of such fine American wit.