eUSA Back On Track to Division, Internal Bickering
Day 698, 19:25
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Published in USA 
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by
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by Hari Michaelson
---Letter-to-the-Editor---
Good job against Texas OU!
Oh wait.
Nvm.
-Editor-on-the-Edge-
-Hari Michaelson
---
Destruction of Newfound Unity "Right on Track" Report Officials
The efforts of the eMerican public to revert back to a state of disunity and over-exaggerated bickering over trivial issues including taxes, hospital placement, and the usefulness of long-standing government programs, are "coming along as planned" researchers say.
The latest report comes out of the eMerican Center for Population Study, where a government-funded research group has been dilligently studying the effects of peace on the eMerican psyche. "We've already begun to see a crumbling of the 'all in this together' and 'trust our elected officials' ideals that dominated the eUSA less than a month ago" reported key sources within the group today. "Latest samplings from the eMerican media show a 56% increase in articles complaining about tax proposals, as well as a staggering 84% increase in articles demanding a minimum wage increase to provide protection for n00bs. And this is only in response to a 4% increase in food VAT! By our estimates the eUSA will be a hellish wasteland of know-nothing two-clickers, disillusioned beta giants, and roving groups of players arguing about real-life ideals."
"Also, vote out these liberals in Congress!" added the source, who proceeded to publish a 7 sentence article riddled with grammatical and spelling errors relaying his anti-left sentiments.
When asked about the group's findings, President Gaius Julius refused to touch on the issue, intead only mumbling something about "those goddamned idiots".
---
The Muckraker: Sub fgts.
Good job against Texas OU!
Oh wait.
Nvm.
-Editor-on-the-Edge-
-Hari Michaelson
---
Destruction of Newfound Unity "Right on Track" Report Officials
The efforts of the eMerican public to revert back to a state of disunity and over-exaggerated bickering over trivial issues including taxes, hospital placement, and the usefulness of long-standing government programs, are "coming along as planned" researchers say.
The latest report comes out of the eMerican Center for Population Study, where a government-funded research group has been dilligently studying the effects of peace on the eMerican psyche. "We've already begun to see a crumbling of the 'all in this together' and 'trust our elected officials' ideals that dominated the eUSA less than a month ago" reported key sources within the group today. "Latest samplings from the eMerican media show a 56% increase in articles complaining about tax proposals, as well as a staggering 84% increase in articles demanding a minimum wage increase to provide protection for n00bs. And this is only in response to a 4% increase in food VAT! By our estimates the eUSA will be a hellish wasteland of know-nothing two-clickers, disillusioned beta giants, and roving groups of players arguing about real-life ideals."
"Also, vote out these liberals in Congress!" added the source, who proceeded to publish a 7 sentence article riddled with grammatical and spelling errors relaying his anti-left sentiments.
When asked about the group's findings, President Gaius Julius refused to touch on the issue, intead only mumbling something about "those goddamned idiots".
---
The Muckraker: Sub fgts.
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Comments
lol
This is full of truth, lmao
Glad we are finally back on track to becoming the US again. I thought I was in a different country for a while.
Truthiness indeed
Voted and subscribed. Maybe you should try something like the "American Voices" section of the Onion.
Example: http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/parents_against_swine_flu_vaccine" target="_blank">http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/par[..]ccine
voted!
VOTAND
Muckraker > the Onion
Voted
Troubling, but unsurprising. Where's scrab when you need him? I could use a 3.5 month coma.
2nded on the Scrabman request.
Translation: Disillusioned Beta Giant reporting in!