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*dramatic intro music and swooshing graphics*

(Gray-haired venerable anchor looks up dramatically)

Good evening, and welcome to Channel Six. I'm Art Showalter, your anchor for this evening. Leading off tonight, permanently ingrained at the forefront of every citizen's mind, is the raging world war. Today was a calm day in the boiling conflict, with the eUSA successfully holding Arkansas and attempting to hold Missouri and Utah. eRussia continues to, unsuccessfully, attempt to gain a border with eColumbia to engage in a land-swap.

On the eColumbian front, some potentially good news. A brilliant tactical retreat may result in a long-term strategic turn. We go to Rod Granite at the front.

"I'm here in Denver, where brave eUSA fighters have successfully held of a desperate eColumbian assault. We received word that, moments before the victory here, Kansas was retreated. This should have turned the tide in the war. However, due to the vagaries of the Gods, the expected change in initiative never occurred. Several sacrifices to the Almighty Admins have been made, it is uncertain whether the screen-caps and slaughtered livestock will be enough to appease them and grant a 24 hour reprieve in Columbian attacks. We can only sit, wait, and hope. Back to you, Art."

In other news, the Iranian government narrowly voted to declare war on eCanada. This is significant, as it has the potential to draw Canada's attention from eHungary, freeing the Hungarians to open another front in the Continental eUSA. However, eIran made a crucial mistake. By failing to immediately attack, they allowed Canada to take the initiative. It is uncertain as to whether Canada can block both Hungary and Iran long enough for the eUSA to force Columbia out and regain the initiative against Russia. We here wish our Canadian brethren luck and offer our thanks.

And now, a report from the Florida border from Michelle Anduin...

"I'm here at the border of Florida and Alabama, where nervous USA forces anxiously await the long-threatened Russia assault. Standing on top of the 1.3 million wall certainly makes one feel invincible. Surely, no commander would dare to send his forces to such a costly death. However, US forces remain nervous.

One soldier I spoke to nervously toyed with his Q1 rifle. 'Yeah, I'm nervous. I mean, if we lose this battle, our capital is gone. We lose our strongest economic base. Plus, all those hot bikini beaches are gone to the russkies. Have you seen russian women? Have you? Most of them look like they ate their way to our country.'

I briefly interrupted a two-clicker from slamming his head into the wall to ask his view of the war. 'Warz? What warz? It don't matter wat county I's in, so long's I get to power-lvl my solder str8 2 the top.'

All in all Art, things are tense. Most soldiers are wondering if the Russian President's promise of an all-out assault is the ranting of a lunatic. In any case, his donation of a domicile to the Administrators is a noble attempt to gain their favor. Anduin, reporting in"

That is the news for tonight. Keep training, follow orders, and the world will be at peace again soon. Goodnight.