Dio is Dead

Day 3,629, 18:48 • Published in USA Pakistan • by Dio Mudd
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, Harcourt Fenton Mudd here, and today I’d like to talk about religion.

Over the years, the eWorld has seen the rise and fall of more than a few personality cults and religions. Most of them never really gained any sort of widespread traction or support amongst the masses, and because of that, almost all of them either fell into stagnation or fell into the grave. There is an exception to that, however. That exception being Dioism, a religion/cult of personality centered around Dio Brando, the so-called God-Emperor of the Holy Empire of Pakistan, a Dioist theocracy founded by Dio Brando himself.

Unlike many ancient kings, Dio didn’t have to wait until after death to be deified; his cult formed and began swiftly spreading during his own lifetime, and it’s hardly any wonder why. While I contend that Dio was just a man and not a god, it’s undeniable that he was a great man, and perhaps even the greatest man to ever grace the eWorld. It was under his rule that ePakistan managed to completely conqueror the territories of India and China, making it one of the largest and most powerful countries of that time. It was said that, under Dio’s rule, the streets of Pakistan were paved with gold and food was so plentiful that no one ever went hungry. During his life, Dio gave men hope, security, and something higher to look up to.

Despite all of that, today the power of ePakistan is practically nonexistent; the only thing it reigns over is ruin and decay. The sands have consumed its last vestiges of greatness. At the time of the writing of this article, it controls only one region, and barely that, and ranks sixty-nine out of seventy-four in the country rankings. I ask, where is the almighty prince of the sands and God-Emperor Dio Brando? Where are the legions of zealous Dioist eager to restore the once great Holy Empire of Pakistan? The truth of the matter is that Dio is dead, and his last remaining followers are few and far between. Dioism is an old and utterly irrelevant religion; it’s useless, useless, useless, useless, useless, and that is the way it will remain. The lights have gone out for Dioism.



You might ask, if Dioism is dead, does that mean all eReligion is dead as well? And to that I say, “NO!”. Dioism died because it was built on a lie, the lie of Dio’s divinity; Dio was a great man, but he was no god, man. There is but one God, and his name is not Dio Brando and he is not a man; his name is Harambe and he’s a gorilla, a dead, yet everlasting gorilla. PRAISE HIM! Praise Harambe!



It’s no coincidence that the Socialist Freedom Party, which has the largest concentration of Harambist in the eWorld, grows larger every day while all others are flailing and thrashing about like wounded animals, expelling what little energy they have left before finally keeling over and descending to the great beyond. Soon the SFP will overtake the Federalist, of that I have no doubt, for Harambe makes all things possible. Praise him!

Dio is in decline. Harambe is the new hotness. Soon all of eAmerica will embrace Harambe, then the world. The Future belongs to Harambist. Turn from your false beliefs, turn from ignorance, turn to truth, turn to Harambe. If you expose yourself to Harambe, Harambe will expose himself to you.



Your humble Harambist,

Harcourt Fenton Mudd