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BREAKING NEWS!

Buckle your seatbelts, boys and girls!

In this issue -- only ten days before Debbie Reynolds' birthday, which is also known as "International Fun at Work Day" and "National Sourdough Bread Day" -- ONWARD! reveals a scandalous DEEP FAKE!

Yes, dear readers. After embedding our secret agents deep inside the so-called "gummint", we are ready to pull out from the body politic and blow the whistle! Take a deep breath. Because we've discovered that fake news, and not only fake news -- but a DEEP fake just stupid as a log! -- has been spread across the e-country for years!! Like psychocandy. Just like honey.

A lot remains to be be discovered. By breaking this story, we hope that others who may have been just out of reach and could never understand will step forward and fill in the gaps. The lamestream e-media has covered it up. The filthy elitists who control everything for their own nefarious purposes have been silently biding their time on their super-secret "forums", sending "telegrams" back and form, doing their devious best to sow discord -- all the while, hiding their true identifies.

Lucky for you, the honest muckrakers here at ONWARD! have broken open their box of secrets, lies and delicious bon-bons. Yep. It's raining truth. And we're happy when it rains. As the kids say, that is some candy talking.





As radical anarcho-comedians, this kind of stuff is sometimes always the hardest thing we have to do. For you. Sharing upsetting news. But the change, it has to come. We knew it all along. We're simply here to tell you what happened. We can do it because we're steeped in Osmany Ramon Thought (the legendary first Chairman of the SFP). Like a rich blend that you have to steep for 15 minutes to get the full flavor. Y'see, We are liberated from the sheep-fold. That's all. It's just science. No hard feelings. Just science. Like honey. Just like honey. Just like honey.





OK. Let's take it a step at a time. Let's start with an example of the kind of thing we've discovered.


Suppose you had been enthralled a child with the story of Charlotte's Web. Perhaps you'd seen the delightful 1973 animated movie version from Paramount starring Debbie Reynolds as the wise spider who famously told Wilbur the pig: "Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print."

Heart-warming, right? We all identify with the cuddly pig. Once we're over the shock of a spider that sings like Carrie Fisher's mom, we happily suspend our disbelief and embrace the home-spun wisdom of the wee web-spinner. Emerging from the theater of the mind, we're ready to go forth and share the rich stories of the web with the whole wide world.


And then, some years later, after having been forced to study critical animal theory, we have learned the REAL history of spider webs. And one fine day. Out of the blue. We find out that Wilbur was atually an UNDERCOVER SPY.

In fact, he was Squealer from Animal Farm, a completely different movie, deep undercover, sneakily gathering tropes and memes to deploy in his nefarious role as propadanda director for Napolean, the dictator pig. He uses what he learned from wise, sweet Debbie Reynolds to justify the monopolization of resources by the pigs-party-elite, to spread false but convincing statistics about the farm, using rhetoric and twisted language and obscure jokes and references to both proto-punk and post-punk rock and roll songs to twist the truth and maintain social and political control!


Shocking, right? Disturbing, sure. But don't you feel better now that you know the real history of the web?






So.

Maybe the new world will look just the same tomorrow. Or ten days from now. Maybe you'll say e-history ain't changed. That the same old banners will be flying in the next war. But yeah. That's right, doody. Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss. Don't say we didn't tell yiz.


Yikes.

Well. At least you'll know whats REALLY going on. Like with Wilbur-who-is-really-Squealer. It was hard to acknoledge at first. But eventually you were glad you realized that you just can't trust the pigs.






Anyway. Here's the deal...

While the whole merry chain of events and "coincidences" doesn't yet seize us with complete clarity, we're ready to state with a certain degree of certainty that the real history of the e-USA is a giant web of lies. And that's what we're going to do.

Just follow the steps below and it will all start to be clear.



"Kody" has 4 letters, right? So did "SEES"!! Coincidence? Nope. Think about it! Now get this, the third member of SEES was a self-avowed ginger. And Kody always shaves his head. What is he hiding?!?! I think we know... President Kody is actually the eTerrorist Tom McDougal!

The parallels are obvious once you know where to look. McDougal, an infamous troll, claimed that SEES wanted to "spark peoples interests and make the game fun 'by any means necessary'". Compare that to Kody's campaign promises -- almost the same! Now think again about Wilbur and Squeaker. Are you starting to see the pattern?

Does this ring any bells?....





OMG. Somebody is banging on the door. Gonna have to run. Will try to post again soon.

As a parting thought, just consider this -- nobody has ever seen Emerick, Paul Proteus, Gnilraps and Trite of the Northern Penguins in the same room at the same time! Coincidence? Nope.



Stay safe! Stay awake! Gotta go.











Oh. By the way.