Join the new world

I am soaking wet, sat in a puddle of my own creation (because it has been raining!), on a plastic chair, in a sweaty internet café, on a Saturday afternoon, waiting for a guy who might be about to answer my question. Enuuee, an Erepublik citizen, whose every sentence was muttered very much like a village idiot's; is on an existential journey of epic but microcosmic proportions. In just one month this virtual sadist has already died, been bribed, resurrected himself, spilt blood, spent ammunition, and blown a whopping 10 G's on guns, gifts and, “some great training, although the French accent and silly hat put me off”.

The musk in the air is reminiscent to the whiff of walking past any games workshop, but the place is crammed with loud foreign students. I am meeting a guy who over the phone, said with all seriousness, “They call me Neo”. Once I had convinced him that it was a friend next to me making me laugh, he agreed to meet up. The glass front door of the café is opened by an inch or two. In peeks a pale shadow of an adolescent, with one hand pinching facial pustules that last night had brought, and the other on the door handle ready to shut it and briskly trot away. It was a moment that gave flashback to my only internet date, upon seeing the enormous hippo of a supposed woman, entering the bar with the distinct red carnation we had agreed on, I bolted in fear of accidentally showing my revulsion. I reluctantly beckoned the leather trench coated, Erepublik badge wearing freak over to me. With great hush I barely utter, “Neo?”, a sound at which every head in the shop turned toward to disappointingly acknowledge. 'Neo' nervously asks me if I am his reporter and upon my confirmation goes to shake my hand which ends as a slight shaky touch of finger tips as he sits down.

When asked about his SEX life on Erepublik he whined, “It's none existent – like it hasn't even been invented yet”, and on whether he would like children, “it's too soon I think, but even if I had a pencil, the resource of rubber isn't out there”. Currently homeless and residing in London for it's, “excellent medical facilities”, Enuuee's hobbies include, asking for gifts that he has donated to be gifted to him, and constantly inquiring about raises from his current employer in order to get fired. He enthused me to know that his newly formed ambition is to own the smallest amount possible in every currency. An ambition he discovered while trying to make his Gold balance read 0.0E, as he is convinced that “the error will do something good – like a cheat or somethin”. There was nothing else remotely interesting to adorn this page with, so the paragraph ends here when he begins to talk of his school life, Warhammer and his two best mates, that are such good friends that, “we are always calling each other names, like Saruman, but we are OK with it”.

So after half an hour of me saying, “don't listen to them, you are a really bright kid”, I asked “why did you die, only to bring yourself back to life a week later?”. To my absolute shock he replied “I had a dirty weekend which led to a whole dirty week, I had to revive my citizen when I got back”. I paused, he had a huge grin, I couldn't believe that this greasy, geeky and deluded young man, could possibly dupe any self respecting female into bed. He must be lying to me I thought, bigging himself up and making him look like a real man who has sex like grown up's do. I asked, “what's your girlfriends name?”. He was already shaking his head looking puzzled. but then smiled, wagged his finger while nodding and said “Air Cadets training silly, you always get muddy”