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Greetings and Salutations from the Office of the eUSA Chief of Staff!

We hope you will enjoy the enclosed briefing from the Cabinet, provided to us all by the President's Press Secretary,


If you would like to check out the briefing, along with all the comments, you can do so here - http://eusaforums.com/forum/index.php/topic,39149.0.html (Forum Registration Required)




Ah, hello there. And welcome to this weekend's Press Briefing.

With one week behind her and several weeks to go, the intrepid presidency of Melissa Rose is off to a promising and efficient start. Yet, while our coverage of her has been rather comprehensive, we here in the Department of Brief Press feel we have done a disservice to covering an often under discussed phenomenon. Specifically, the lives of former Country Presidents post-presidency.

In the last two days, our extensive staff was sent out to interview and touch bases with several former heads of our state. Here follows the compiled research and data that they uncovered, the secret lives lived out of public eye, and dangerous doings that still occur behind the dark veil of politics.


Following the seige of the former dwarven dictatorship to remove the dragon-hearted former President from power, not much has been heard from the King Under the Mountain. After having sent several expeditions north into the freezing, mountainous heart of the dwarven homelands, our reporters were surprised to discover that former President Orikfricai had actually spent most of his time on a beach in Cancun. While the initial report reconnaissance teams still have yet to return from the frozen, frigid purgatory of those arctic slopes, we sent another intern down to Yucatán paradise to see what the now quite literally bronzed dwarf was up to.

Good evening, and thank you for agreeing to meet with us.
How could I not? You literally tied me to a chair after chasing away that Canadian chick.

My apologies, I'm just an intern. First time jitters, you know?
Could you please point that gun somewhere other than my face.

Oh yeah! Sure, sorry bout that. Anyways, we were wondering what sort of life you've been leading now that you've gone off into retirement.
You mean the life I didn't choose to lead? The one that was forced on me when various paramilitary efforts ousted my legitimately elected government on the basis of a minor threat? The one that I've bitterly accepted with the help of tequila shots and loose women in a country that doesn't care that I've got a three foot beard that's as tall as I am? That life?

Uh... yeah?
Well, it's pretty good. You know, aside from the attempted kidnappings and hostage situations I'm put in.

Really? Does that happen often?
Oh yeah, sure. I mean, one second you're buying molly from a friend of a friend named Pedro, and the next you've got a cartel hit squad attempting to ransom you to the U.S. government. I guess some people think I'm still President or something? Not really sure why it keeps happening, but I've gotten real good at escaping ropes.

Oh, well it's nice to pick up a hobby or two. What, in your opinion, do you think is the most critical thing in terms of escaping a situation like that?
Most important thing is to keep your captor talking and distracted.

Ah, that makes sense.
Yeah a lot of bad guys and Rolling Stone interviewers just love spouting off about their plans or asking what your favorite bit of 80s nostalgia is.

Oh that reminds me! I wanted to know what sort of thing from the 1980s you really miss.
An excellent question. I would have to say the show MacGyver.

Why's that?
Well he got into all sorts of sticky situations, and the knowledge has been pretty useful.

That's fair. Hey, wait a second, why are you standing?
It's incredible what you can do with a toothpick lodged up your anus.

Wait, no! What're you- AUGHSfgghllll-

While the audio was recovered, our reporting staff has since determined that they have been unable to find Orikfricai's location again. The last known report of his whereabouts had him leaving a marina after having rented a boat to take a strange, misshapen package out to the gulf to dump.

In related news, the Media Department is currently looking for several young and eager college-aged candidates to fill recent vacancies in our internship program. Potential applicants must demonstrate a love of journalism, a flair for investigation, and the familiarity with different kinds of seaman's knots as well as survival skills in cold and warm weather.



Our investigators had a much simpler time of tracking down former President and suspected crab-person Israel Stevens as he had given our team his cell number if they ever wanted to catch a beer or a hockey game. After confirming his location and following in the messy wake of a previous interview tragedy, Press Secretary Aramec himself went to meet with IS at a party in some suburban home. Entering into the cookie-cutter house from the driveway cluttered with Subarus, Toyotas, and a Prius, our halfling head of department found himself in the throes of a white people party. After a short while, he managed to find IS with a margarita in hand, fiddling around with the house's iPod docking station that was currently being used to play the evening's musical selection.

Hey there, IS, it's nice to see you again.
[unintelligible grumbling]

Sorry, what'd you say?
I can't get this shit to stop. They've been playin' f***in' ABBA and Queen all night 'cept for the one time they put Get Low on.

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, in regards to the interview, I wanted to ask-
I mean seriously, why these crackas gotta f***in' appropriate their shitty ass music all over the god damn place? It's like if it's not Kenny or Wilco they blastin' then it's gotta be Chamillionaire and No Diggity and all that 90s shit that us black people put away like forever ago. Like let it go, man. You don't get to bounce your skinny ass around to Usher and shit and make you think you cool doin' it, aight? Get some real music, nigga. Buncha cracka ass motha f***as.

Oh... o-okay.
At least these bitches can appropriate something useful. I mean margaritas are dope as shit. You know this shit is basically frozen tequila?

I mean... yeah. That's sort of the-
Damn like, Judy's got this margarita machine up in her kitchen, like this big old thing, and we was crowdin' round it at the beginning and listening to like Moby or some shit, I dunno, but I was like "Yo, there's no way this shit is for real." But then I googled what that shit was? And it was just like "frozen tequila." And then I was all about it.

Sure, but could we maybe focus o-
Like shit man! Frozen tequila!? Do you get it?

I, um, I guess it's cool.
Shit's like popsicles! Crushed up, alcoholic popsicles! That you drink!

I'd never really, uh, thought of it that way, I guess...
Yo you gotta hook yoself up with this shit. Like you gotta totally hook yoself up with this. Shit. Bitch. You feel me?

Aramec later reported that after having been totally hooked up with that shit, IS then proceeded to coax Aramec into attempting to see if there was a wire hidden somewhere behind the iPod station that he could jack his phone into or something. However, failing his explanation of how that's not how that sort of technology works, Israel Stevens then reportedly let loose a sighing chorus of expletives, which rapidly devolved into him pulling the iPod station up and throwing it through a window. Escaping from the police, the former President is now evidently wanted in the tri-county area.



This weekend, the cabinet discusse😛

• France telling us that while they're going to renew our MPP, they're also gonna bitch to their Congress about that whole Persian Plunder thing.
• Cus apparently Iran and they are butt-buddies or something.
• Never knew what Persians like in their buttholes, but I guess it's baguettes.
• Learn something new every day.
• Mel asked the cabinet to weigh in, so a lot of people gave their opinions.
• RaccoonGoon wrote like a giant ass thing that I'm not gonna deal with here.
• Basically, everyone collectively shrugged and sort of went "who gives a shit?"
• And then France passed the MPP.
• THUS ENDS THE THRILLING SAGA.
• Anyways, IS got 'randomly selected' at an airport.
• Probably because of all that Persian gold he's got on him.
• Or his beard.
• Everybody knows only terrorists have beards.
• Jaden is still sick, unfortunately, so I guess it was good we actually had a Deputy Chief of Staff for once.
• Shoutout to Dinnyin for gettin' it done.
• Poor Jaden even went to the ER. :/
• Defense is evidently turning Japanese or something.
• Idk Wild Owl long ago taught me the importance of not giving a shit about shit tier countries.
• So kawaii desu or whatever.
• The dreaded threat of Saudi Arabia still looms large in the fearful hearts of our government (oooh~ scary!)
• Oblige teased me with last year's pins for PAX East.
• I, in response, gave a detailed analysis of this year's market and trade scene.
• Nobody cared.
• I drank and cried.
• Carhugger or whatever the f*** his name is asked about the need for a Citizen Affairs Commission.
• Whatever the f*** that means.
• I'm making this section extra long and in depth at the behest of Comrade Phoenix Quinn's inquiry into how informative these things really are.
• So, hope you like text.
• PQ certainly does.
• I mean ffs the dude's shopping lists are probably the length of some of Tolstoy's works.
• Combined.
• Irregardless, we're gonna be trumpeting Greece having joined Pacifica cus there's more changes that're happening soon as well.
• In that vein, the process for the vetting of that change has already begun, and is off to a positive start.
• Custer gave an idea about doing something called SCAM.
• I saw it in the T5 the other day, but I was pounding tequila and beer, so I don't remember exactly where I saw it.
• Speaking of tequila - and I know this Briefing has been heavy on it - but there's this place, little Mexican hole in the wall place, called Reyna's?
• Really cheap ass Mexican food, good too.
• But she's got this special called the "House Drink Special" that's not even on the menu, so you have to go there a lot to know it.
• You order it, waitress or waiter gives you the options of their beers - things like Negra Modelo and stuff like that - and then brings you a pint of whatever you ordered along with a shot of tequila.
• And the incredible part?
• It's only six bucks.
• I know right?
• I mean, I know I shouldn't have driven after three of those, but whatever, I had to get more beer for this party I was going to.
• Hung out with some of my bros, met a cool new guy named Collin.
• He thinks The Sun Also Rises is shit as well, so we got along swimmingly.
• The party was great, but I'm not very good at parties, cus of anxiety stuff.
• So I spent about two hours or so playing beer pong (and winning) and King's Cup (and not losing) and that was pretty chill.
• But then shit got boring and awkward for me, so I basically pulled and Irish goodbye, grabbed the summer shandy I had bought, and drunk drove home.
• No DUI or anything, cus nobody really cares in this area, and I listened to the newest Alice Isn't Dead episode, number 3, on my way home.
• Made for a kind of trippy drive, but I stopped at a Jack In The Box and got what I think was a... uh...
• Shit, you know I can't actually remember what sandwich I got.
• I think it was a buttery jack or something?
• I was sort of browning out by then.
• Like, if someone had been with me, and reminded me now what I got, I'd probably know.
• But whatever, I made it home and watched some Game Grumps, and ate that burger.
• At some point I passed out and woke up at around 4:30am, and by that point I was way past done to do yesterday's Press Briefing, so I just figured I'd do a double today.
• Disregarding all that nonsense, the cabinet then spent most of today talking about technical shit and the big thing that's gonna happen in Pacifica.
• I mean, Mel's had a good start to her term, but it's been mostly getting stuff in order and reorganized, which is good.
• That's sort of what she's good at, and the people she's picked are as well.
• The lack of any real thing going on this month means that we're getting a chance to get some new people involved in government and for some old and rusty standards to be updated.
• This, from the woman who found the org with 3 mil just sitting in it, leads towards a promising, and detail-oriented month.
• Which should be good, the way it's all shaping up.
• IS really did go to that white people party, btw.
• Hope it's less lame than I imagined it to be.



This weekend's Random Question for Aramec were "Is the glass half empty or half full?" and "What do you want for Christmas?"

Answer to the first: yes.
Answer to the secon😛 a puppy. I'm planning on getting my girlfriend a corgi, so don't ruin the surprise.



This weekend's weather is:

http://youtu.be/EKGUJXzxNqc



Thank you all for your continued support of the Administration. Please feel free to reach out to us if we can be of service to you.



Jaden A.
Chief of Staff



Dinnyin
Deputy Chief of Staff