Captains log: stardate ??.??.????

Day 5,535, 05:27 • Published in USA USA • by KingTaco

I've been floating in space for many weeks now, I don't know what day it is anymore. Every so often, I get something on the radio, I've yet to figure out what it all means. The static overwhelms any meaningful comprehensible words. I take inventory of what remains in my sack, which is absolutely not a purse. It's a man sack. Designed for manly space travel and nothing more.

16 pre-packages tacos
5 bottles of water
Season 3 of My Little Pony on DVD widescreen
A DVD player with a built-in screen
6 AA batteries
An unopened, brand new book entitled "How to be a better Party President."

Things seemed pretty hopeless. If only I had told Paul where I was going. Maybe he would have sent help if he remembered to do so. At least the view is pretty. Watching the stars slowly go by.
Days turned into weeks, and my spirits began to falter. I was running low on food and water and was starting to lose hope. But just as he was about to give up, a miracle happened.

Derphoof, a powerful magical pony, came to my rescue, riding ANOTHER magical pony. Pretty hot if I say so myself. I was overjoyed to see him! Derphoof explained that he had been sent by the Federalists to bring me back home and that he had used his magic to locate him in the vast expanse of space, using technology he didn't understand himself.

With Derphoof's help, I was able to return to Earth safely, for better or for worse. I was forever grateful to Derphoof and his magic pony, who had saved me from certain doom. I walk into the Federalist building, which is a big cardboard box haphazardly taped with FLEX TAPE to see MR sitting in the corner on her phone, she looks up at me and exclaims that I was late and enquires where the hell I was. I explained to her that during our mission to find the GREAT BUTT BEYOND, I was SUCCed out of the ship after a space pirate raid took all my chicken nuggets.
"Likely story, KT get back to work, and don't ever be late again!" MR said, holding a large paddle with holes drilled for better aerodynamics.
"I'd hit you with this the usual 20 times, but you enjoy it too much, and it disgusts me"

I walked to my room, the smallest in the entire complex (which is odd, seeing as I was the party president, and its a TV box) and look out my window, which happens to be right as the sun sets on this crazy world of ours.

The President of the eUnited States, Patanok then comes running into my room, bashing the cardboard door down and yells "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WRITING THIS STORY, I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU TO WRITE ME AN ARTICLE ABOUT THIS GREAT NATION OF OURS! YOU'RE MAKING US LOOK LIKE A JOKE INFRONT OF MY FRIENDS! IT'S BEEN OVER 100 DAYS SINCE OUR LAST GOOD PRESS RELEASE!" He then hits me.

Pants Tent



-KT