Canada’s Best Congress Candidate Ever. Period. [Survey Results!]

Day 643, 22:39 • Published in Canada Canada • by William Duncan
After a long, detailed and arduous study of this month’s Congressional Candidates, I have selected one in particular for eCanada’s attention (and guess what, it’s not me! I am not even running for Congress). This Candidate simply rocks, and here's why.

First: Qualifications.

Does this Candidate have any? You bet! This candidate has 16 right off the bat. Here they are, presented as accurately and scientifically as possible:





 Click for larger image.

Hoozah!! That’s a monster trophy case right there! Where do I begin? Wow! It is so big and shiny! The only award I ever won was for most improved attendance, which meant I showed up 3 times that semester instead of none.
Alright, well first off you are probably mocking me, thinking, ‘This jackass can’t even count, he said 16, yet this POS picture only says 14. I believe it when he says he never went to school.’ My answer? FU! I got my Grade 6 diploma! I can count all the way up to 54.

But seriously, the number 14 is derived from:

8

The number of Hard Worker Medals this candidate has earned. These Medals each require a minimum 30 days continuous commitment to eRepublik. That’s per each medal!

4
The number of times this candidate was elected to Congress. Yes, that’s right, the electorate brought this politician back again… and again… and again.

2
The number of Super Soldier awards this candidate has won. This requires endless daily training to achieve. No small effort, and a recurring theme is emerging here:
Commitment.

So let’s see if my Grade 6 education was worth the taxpayers’ investment so far:

8 + 4 + 2 = ….. 16 !!! Oh crap, wait, wrong question --looks at cheat sheet--… 14 !!

Alright, so now for the final two reasons.
1. This Congress Candidate doesn’t just sit behind the desk asking the secretary to fetch some more timbits! This candidate gets up, dons the battle armour, sharpens the machete, grabs some grenades and unloads their machine-gun on eCanada’s enemies. Check the picture again. This candidate has dealt some serious butt-kicking to our enemies: Over 19,000 ouches! delivered already - and still counting - thus earning a Colonel rank.

Yet, there is still another reason... Wait. 8 + 4 + 2 + 1 + …. Oh whatever, I never was any good at math anyways. The final reason is:



















This candidate is a…. SHE? Yes, she kicks butt all day long, works hard and has earned the confidence of eCanada’s electorate four times over. So, you’re not only voting for a superbly dedicated, and totally committed congresswoman, you're also helping to empower eCanada’s women, and ensure their voice is heard in our next congress. Jawesome.

*(This has nothing to do with the hotness of her avatar…)

Still a skeptic? Wow. Mr. Enlightened voter all high-and-mighty about the value of their vote. Well, guess what, if it weren’t for that extra bonus mark on homework assignments, I probably would have never even passed the 6th Grade. So here’s another reason (as if it were actually needed):





That’s right! She single-handedly, on her own time and initiative, no-one asking, decided to take up the all-fun, glorious and much thanked job of…. completing and updating the Canadian Business Registry. Joyous work… Not. That’s right, this Candidate’s name is Kelly Mahoney, and not only does she go above and beyond the call of duty at work, for democracy, and on the battlefield, she isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty and do the thankless job nobody else wants to do.

So on Election Day, empower our women, encourage super smexy avatars, and

Vote Kelly Mahoney, a Canadian National Coalition (CNC) party member for Congress in Newfoudland and Labrador!




PS – Keep up the good fight eCanada, and when you see someone from the CAF, remember to say a big old “Thank you!”