Breaking eNews! Abundance of e's Finally Explained!

Day 470, 15:52 • Published in Canada Canada • by Dade Pendwyn

Reports are coming in from the internet tracing the over-abundance of e’s in the world to a spill from a tanker carrying e’s on the choppy seas of the interweb. Apparently a large vowel tanker with a full e-load hit a pornography iceberg and lost all its cargo. The spilled e’s are finding their way all over the world and tend to attach themselves to certain words in particular (eWorld, eCanada, eLife) though no word is completely safe.

One observer, who is a basement dwelling 35 year old virgin and experienced sailor of the internet, gave a chilling recount of the spill.

“There are e’s everywhere - As far as the eye can see! We’ve been trying to soak them up by using more words with “e” in it, but so far it’s been futile. They attach themselves to everything, and there’s no eway to…dammit there’s another one! Ever since this spill people have been eborn in eCanada instead of being born in Canada. It’s just esilly!”

More unsettling are the heart-wrenching photos taken of the spill. The images of flocks of poor little ducklings covered in e’s and struggling to breath would pull the heartstrings of even the most stoic observer.

Dipthongs’R’Us, the manufacturer of the spilled vowels, promised they will continue to improve the stringency of their safety protocol. An official from the company had the following to say about the spill:

“Pornography icebergs are an always constant threat. All of our tanker’s captains are castrated, but unfortunately this particular captain left the helm to go to the bathroom and the testosterone laced First Mate took the wheel. As you can imagine, the crash was inevitable.”

So please, do your part to clean up the spill – write as many essays as possible on the Elaborate Eloquence of Ewes, or on Encouraging the Ethiopian Emerald Economy.

Thank you.