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The war rages on against Canada as they look to take our almost sunny southern regions. If you're like me and pay very little attention to the gains in the war (that got boring months ago!) this guide may prove very useful to explaining the changes you're about to experience.

here's a quick guide to knowing whether you've awakened in Canada:

-You suddenly find that temperatures below 0C are only mildly chilly.
-You have extensive knowledge of which leaves make good toilet paper.
-All of the trick-or-treaters have a full body snow suit under their costumes.
-The local newspapers are suddenly 1% international news, 7% national news and 92% sports news.
-You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
-Your knowledge of spices becomes very limited. You only recognise salt, pepper and ketchup.
-Rather than forming a 'queue', you form a 'line-up'.
-Hockey is no longer a sport; its a way of life.
-You know the French equivalents of 'free', 'prize', and 'no sugar added', thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
-You've developed an immunity to over-eating maple sugar-based products.
-Milk is suddenly packaged in plastic bags.
-You can no longer hold a 5 minute conversation without discussing the weather.
-You suddenly start to end every sentence with 'Eh'.
-You get excited and near-orgasm whenever you hear Canada mentioned in a TV show.
-Any beer under 6% is for children and elderly people.
-Homo Milk is perfectly normal.
-Your front door is 1 metre off the ground, but there are no front steps.

Now here's a guide to your surroundings:

You look outside to find 6ft of snow has fallen overnight since the Canadians invaded. All of the defence systems are suddenly made of snow; your house has been reduced to nothing more than an igloo. You go for some food - All the packaging is written in both English and French.

You look outside, finding somebody who isn't wearing hockey gear is similar to playing 'Where's Wally?'.

People of the North look like this:

(He's not really smiling, his face is just frozen)

You go to change your money at the local exchange - to your suprise they've given your Monopoly money for your GBP! After eventually being convinced that this is the actual money Canadians use, you take the first opportunity to get back to normal civilization in the UK.

Some famous quotes about Canada:

*I thought that was Iceland - Former US President, George W. Bush
*Canada is the greatest nation in this country - Former Toronto mayor Allan Lamport
*I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. - Britney Spears, when asked the best part of being famous.
*I don't even know what street Canada is on - Al Capone

Important Canadian laws you should observe

-In Uxbridge, Ontario it's illegal to have an internet connection faster than 56k.
-Every fifth song on the radio must be the work of a Canadian.
-In London, Ontario it is against the city by-law to allow the grass in your front 'yard' to grow any taller then a inch and a half.
-Quebec law states that all business signs must be in French. If the owner wants English on the sign then the French print has to be twice as large as the English print.
-In Beaconsfield, it's considered an offense to have more than two colours on your house; and you are not allowed to own a log cabin.
-In Cobourg, Ontario if you have a water trough in your front yard, it must be filled by 5:00am.
-In Nova Scotia, the very common act of watering your grass whilst it is raining, is actually illegal.


Hopefully this guide has left you a little more equipped for those days when you log on to find your home region in Canadian hands. Remember this guide and things shouldn't seem too weird.