7 Steps to Becoming a Media Mogul

Day 907, 20:27 • Published in Canada Canada • by Dade Pendwyn
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Canadian Conduit - Issue #44

Want to be a media mogul? Are you one of those suckers like Acacia Mason, Alias Vision, or Dade Pendwyn who thinks it will happen through quality writing? If so, prepare to be educated, because this is How to Become a Media Mogul 101.

Remember, just use these 7 keys, and you'll be swimming in subs in no time!

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1) Be, or pretend to be, a teenaged girl of above-average attractiveness - Use myspace-style self-photos as your avatar, newspaper picture, and article ads. Judean Princess, will you please give the class an example?

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2) Fill your articles with pretty pikturz - Even Writers' Guild of Canada mainstays have started breaking up blocks of text with pointless pictures in the name of aiding the literacy-challenged. Even if the text isn't brainless, you can still grab those brainless subs with the use of a few arbitrary photos (kittehz espeshuly). Dade Pendwyn, would you be so kind as to illustrate to the class how now even you cater to the lowest common denominator?

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3) Whore yourself out - Nothing says Media Mogul like paying people to pretend to read your newspaper. It's an age-old tradition for journalistic nobodies to use gold-for-subs schemes to obstensibly catapult themselves to media relevancy. dzoni gal, you've done an excellent job prostituting yourself recently; care to demonstrate to the class how they too can sell their dignity?

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4) Don't write things that require your readers to think - Using your brain is almost like doing stuff, and doing stuff is almost like excercise, and excercise is almost like work; and nobody wants to work (they just wanna bang on their drum all day). Plugson, you haven't done very well in this regard. Please show us how your articles have, unfortunately, forced people to think.

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5) Straight up sack-punch somebody over the internet - Nothing gets people riled up like a good fight, especially when they get to watch. People won't read the article, but the fact that some injustice might be occuring by some jerk against some other jerk is enough to get even the most apathetic readers to reach for the vote button. AngryMobMan, please demonstrate some genital pwnage on Gaius Julius Caesar.

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6) Steal other people's work - Most people don't bother to look and see who's actually writing the stuff they're reading, so who's going to notice if you tax a few blocks of text (or heck, a whole wall of text) from somebody else's work? Nobody, that's who! PopandLock, show us how it's done.

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7) Bewbs and bumz - If you don't understand how lumps of fat could possibly grab the attention of a largely male adolescent reader base, then let me be the first to congratulate you on your successful operation. Harrison Richardson, please enlighten your peers with some junk-in-a-da-trunk.

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Remember: screw journalism! Choose a combination of the preceding 7 Keys to Becoming a Media Mogul and you'll be sure to have that shiny phallic medal in no time!

I hope you'll understand what a risk I'm taking in divulging these trade secrets. Pretty soon we'll be a country full of Media Moguls. Once we are, we can change our name to Hungary.

Insincerely,

Dade Pendwyn

P.S. As you'll notice, 4 out of the 7 keys have to do with pubescent hormones, and the other 3 have to do with apathy and downright thievery. Am I suggesting that the eRepublikan reader base is made up mostly of apathetic horny young men? No. However, I am implying it through a not-so-elusive roundabout pattern of satirical jabs at successful writers.