Join the new world

It was another wonderful day in the trenches. The sun was out, a cool breeze swept through and the smell of an over abundance of food permeated the clean air making the field of battle more of a haphazard picnic. However i was not in the trenches but in the smog riddled, polluted, and bitterly cold urban streets of mid-falconshindo-rijin..or whatever the local in habitants called it. The area had changed hands so much that the food was a hodge podge of so many cultures i just called it meat not on a stick or meat on a stick. The languages were mixed and the people seem to be grey as the concrete they stained with their blood from protesting constantly. Must be a union job nowadays with a lumberyard supplying the sticks and paper...maybe a whole new industry just to keep the media happy to report people in favor or disfavor of one thing or another. Anyways, here i was on a secret mission to infiltrate what was suppose to be a secret lab to capture or destroy the new weapons being developed. rumors said it would replace the rpg with lasers and a cool display that spoke in a slightly german females voice about how it was armed and ready to fire in that cold emotionless yet somewhat aloof sexy voice they tailor towards callous and emotionally devastated soldiers, ahem.
AS i looked about as a hipster hobo who collected out of date folk music concert wear and sheep herder outfits i managed to not only wander into the targets laboratory but right into the security office lunch room. The smell of finely ground coffee was pulling as if i were a teenager to a duller remake of a once avergae film but redistributed with neon crayons used to make it 'new' and 'exciting'. As i shakily stirred the coffee i was greeted in a humperdinkled swish swoon way by a rather Burmese skinned lady cradling a e-pad and in desperate need of being sexually harassed by someone who did not speak her language. But i refrained from asking about her collection of pre-war fast food collectibles and train set tunnels with a energetic meep meep speak to which she excitedly replied with producing a badge to me. As she escorted me and my delicious Peruvian blend coffee to which i milked and sugared lightly, i figured out along the way i had somehow managed to resemble the eccentric scientist in charge of the place. I did not worry about him returning to up heave my impersonation of him as i had stolen everything from him the previous night and stuffed him into a closet carradine style so no one would suspect foul play. Within moments i had not only managed to rewrite the programming for the new weapons schematics but i had done so without knowing the tikka takka language or the language which my assistants spoke. Amazing how far head nods and "ah'ha" or "ah'hmm" can get you.

Working fast or just pretending to as i erased and typed gibberish into the computer i felt a terrible gurgle within me. Throwing up my hands i started to just leave for the bathroom but i was suddenly aware of the back up data storage bank located across the room on high stacks covered in what i thought was a 1950's super robot evil boss. The acting out of a fussy child with sheep rags and curly hair worked getting everyones attention, then the coffee demanding to get the check so they could get a quick valet exit spurned me into a very convincing secret solo work time. the way they shuffled out seem to acknowledge this was in fact daily routine. As i searched frantically for a way to open the back-up databanks i began to sweat not just from the exertion of the pucker power required to hold back a torrent of bad street vendor food but also because of the heat radiating from the thick tower. then it hit me, two birds one very warm sitting bird. Chair after chair i stacked, within a photo flash i was seated bare cheeked upon the grated fan out jamming a wooden dowel used for supremacy of pointing at special charts to halt the fan i let loose the sizzling fury of americas wrath into the machine from above. As relief filled me the sound of sizzling electronics filled the room. I was a good six and half feet up venting coffee fueled gastric juices when the guards and scientists came rushing in. The fan stopping must have triggered an alarm you idiot i thought as my bodies retort was to shoot out a top secret laser of my own with such gusto and force the replying machines sparks was quickly muffled by sounds best described as natures revenge. Using the shock and awe of scented burning human feces and dangling american pride i slid off the shiny metal casing leaving a trail of 'deterrence' behind me. As i gave free the restraints commonly known as human decency so i could make good strides in my escape a few guards attempted to chase. The echoing slips and falls followed me, my gaffaws caused more grunting as even more slip hazards.

As i made my way to the street i felt this mission has been a rollicking success until the sound of bullets cracking asphalt exploded all around me. The whizzing of bullets gave me the instinct to clench. I felt the slap and burn rasp against my side. I had been hit. A good one, solid and hot. Like a caveman with the very first red hot nail figuring out how to hammer it in got me just under the ribcage in the back. My gravy'n'biscuits bag pooched out with a lot of tomato sauce. Holding what i could i stumbled into a side alley, leaving a trail of another color to follow. The taste you never forget crept up into my nose and mouth making me forget all about the comedic hi-jinks moments before. Well not completely. The sudden grim prospect of dying in a cold alleyway in a city where the names are on marquees with the cold air kissing parts i haven't been able to pay to get get touched lately made me begin to laugh. The boots stopped as what i could hear as firing pins drawn back. Laughing i drew out my hands middle fingers raised and leaned against the drab grey wall of the alley giving it color for the first time in its inanimate lifespan.

Waking up the first think i felt was the catheter, that firm yet secure feeling of pain that i was still alive. Hours later my CO came in. He had explained to me that i was taken prisoner for all of a few hours. The scientist i had impersonated was also someone impersonating the real scientist, if he even existed at all. Apparently the program i had gibbered up was gibberish as well. The embarrassment of the whole ordeal was covered up. Instead of them executing me they wanted it classified as they had been overthrown and the area exchanged hands by three other countries before the sun had set that day. The databank was in fact not a back-up either as there was no back up at all but i had managed to destroy the entire debt and market financials which actually helped everyone. The criss-cross making everyone jump-jump across governmental laws and currency exchanges was causing a backlog that would eventually shut down not one but several countries eventually.

And here i was just looking for a good hot steaming cup of joe.

next time on the scrap, we learn about thermonuclear war and why i had a casual one night stand with it.