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Ah yes, good day fellow citizens.

I've been writing these as a hobby for a while now so thought why not throw them into a newspaper! Every week I'll publish another one purely for your entertainment 🙂




Those inconvenient little injuries that produce the most intense pain!



10. Sudden Cramp

My personal hate. The smallest movement will have you ending up attempting to re-arrange your muscles for relief. Most commonly in the feet, legs or fingers; this injury has unbearable pain and can last for minutes or unless you can massage the area back to comfort. Other types of cramp can occur whilst running or using fair amounts of energy, however is nowhere near the severity of pain for the sudden cramp. Massage the area, try not to curse too much and if no luck then you'll have to ride it out. Luckily cramp doesn't last long at all so you'll be back on your feet in no time!




9. Banging This and Whacking That

This could affect any part of your body, as well as give you a heck of a fright at the same time. Standing up quickly and hitting your head on the bench, or turning around and whacking your shin on the coffee table are very common minor injuries that happen to everyone! Luckily this pain doesn't last too long either but the first seconds make your whole body tense up followed by flowing tears. Your pain should subside within 10mins, however depending on how hard you hit yourself, you should possibly get checked out.




8. A Shot to the "Little Fellow" or "The Girls"

I'm quite confident that getting kicked in the Frank & Beans and also for women getting a blow to the chest; it produces the same pain level! There is literally nothing you can do about this except drop to the ground in a fetal position and ride out the pain. Providing this injury to someone is considered an incredibly low blow but could drop a muscle man to the ground in agony. The pain can last from an hour up to a few days. If its really too much to handle and considering how hard you were struck, your safest bet would be to get checked up at Doctor Bob




7) Carpet Burn

Not very common but when your unlucky enough to receive a carpet burn, its one of the worst pains you'll experience. Usually only targets children playing silly buggers on the carpet at Grandma's house and is most common in the knees. Sliding along the fiber will result in a nasty red raw burn to your skin which feels like its on fire. There's not much you can do about this except suck it up and help Grandma in the kitchen instead!




6) Trapped in the Zipper

Ladies will have never experienced this and just the thought of it will make most men cringe. A lot of you will now be thinking back to "There's Something About Mary", yes it was hilarious, but it's not so funny for the victim and can have the potential to be quite dangerous. A 2013 US Study found that in the past 10 years, over 18,000 males visited the ER with "zipper related" injuries to their junk so men you're not alone! Get some skin safe moisturizer and cover your hands, pull the zipper down as gently or as hard as you can, depending on your pain tolerance. If you're still having trouble rescuing the old chap then an ER visit is your best bet.




5) Splinters

How the smallest thing in the world could cause that much pain is beyond me! Sometimes these cheeky little devils can be lodged in your skin for days until the pain kicks in. The worst pain comes when attempting to remove it. Picking and prodding will most likely push it in further or you'll end up doing more bad than good. Do the right thing and remove it carefully with tweezers!




4. Jamming fingers in doors

This can have the ability to turn into quite the nasty injury. Just a thumb jam in the cupboard door will sting like hell but jam it in a car door and it will hurt 50 times as bad. As soon as this occurs, make sure to open the contraption before yanking your finger away! The throbbing sensation is possibly one of the worst feelings in this world (apart from wet socks!). It feels like your finger has just grown into the size of a Hellers Beef Sausage. Consider yourself lucky if your nail is still attached, however if its now lying on the ground and there is a lovely red sore in its place, you have a painful recovery ahead of you so collect your nail and make your way to Doctor Bob.




3. Standing on Lego or an Upturned Plug

I, myself have experienced this too many times. Walking along, minding your own business and all of a sudden, you stumble, followed by an excruciating pain now shooting up your foot. The most common method to heal this seems to be jumping around screaming, crying and hoping you don't land on another one.




2. Stubbed Toe

This little injury affects young and old. Many people would agree that the stubbed toe is possibly one of the most painful things you'll experience and its incredibly common. You really don't even have to bang it that hard, but the big toe always bears the brunt of it resulting in an automatic grab for the foot whilst screaming every curse word under the sun.




1. Paper Cut

These sneaky little injuries will pop up when you least expect it and has the ability to turn even the most corporate composed businessman into a cursing rampaging beast! We've all done it, just shuffling round some paper and then....BAM! You automatically screech in pain followed by a very thorough inspection of the site to see how deep it's gone! Weird thing is, there isn't usually any blood. However your whole body shudders at the thought that you've just sliced your body open in a nice clean deep cut.


NOW TAKE CARE!!! 🙂