[ZW] HAPPY SAMHAIN

Day 712, 00:41 • Published in Pakistan Pakistan • by AgentChieftain
BELFAST, Northern Ireland - Today, I will be celebrating a traditional Northern Irish holiday: Samhain. Though not purely Pakistani, I believe Samhain has something to offer all of us, as its messages meld with our own. Thus, I would like to share it with all of you.

Unlike those other wimpy Sundays where we merely celebrate our beloved Captain and dance in the face of account suspension, Samhain (sah-win) is a holiday that has existed since medieval times and has remained a major holiday in Northern Ireland on the First of November. Since Samhain coincides with Samday this year, today shall be especially exciting for all of us, pigs and men alike. Here is a rundown on what we will observe today:

The End of Summer: As you all were once children, you must know that by this time students all around the world are all back in school. This means that these kids will spend significantly less time shitting up these forums and eRepublik will be significantly less annoying until the other major American or Christian holidays, namely Thanksgiving and Christmas. Until then, international conversation will be remarkably more peaceful as America's fag populace becomes less active and their pollution of the world via their 1.2 exaballmers of told takes a much-needed dive. Peace will not be the only thing in abundance, either; Samhain is the day of the harvest, and Q5 Grain grown on Northern Ireland's moors will pleasantly arrive at the market like soft waves brushing the sandy shores of Pakistan.

The Musings of the Captain: Rejoice, as the day of the harvest is also the day of the Captain. As the more piggishly inclined citizens stuff their pockets and sell the fruits of the working man's labor on the market today, they will also heed the word of the Captain. All of us must take into heart that the Captain is always watching our posting history by means of userLatestPosts (a function discovered by Pakistani anthropologist and social critic BGBW) and will report you to fill the loneliness he feels from your doubts in his arguments.

Dio Brando: Of course, no holiday is truly holy unless it's blessed by someone truly holy. Without the God Emperor of Mankind Dio Brando, none of this could have been possible. Think about it: what would we have if it weren't for his divine grace and his endless benevolence? A world full of pigs without swineherds to keep them in check? Perhaps. A world where entertainment was snuffed out because a thin-skinned babby was bullied in high school? Indeed. A world graced by Pakistani brilliance and vigor and enough peace to quell the world's otherwise overwhelming swine population? Not in a million years.

So, today, spread peace. Glorious, warming, flat-chested peace. Spread it to our friends, our enemies, and our livestock. Do not allow a wall of dicks to stand between you and your good intentions; you must climb this wall with all your might and photoshop the Captain onto various people in a humorous manner.

Furthermore, on this day only, I will treat pigs as equals. Though they are a different species than I, the Americans only want to be loved, and the Spaniards always have aspired to gain Pakistan's forgiveness. Sweden, though warmongering and snorting, will feel the touch of my warm human fingers on their hard hooves and grotesque flab.

PRIDE, POWER, PAKISTAN!