[WHPR] SPECIAL REPORT: Tyler's Revelations
James S. Brady Press Room
It wouldn’t stop.
Unceasing and unrelenting, it only grew louder and louder as the days and weeks went on. His head throbbing, medications ineffective, almost rendered useless, Tyler almost gave in. The oinking was simply out of control. It came from a place he could not see, hear, or know. It was a sound amplified by the Holy One. He of the sands who redeems the world in warming peace.
He placed the sounds in Tyler’s head, amplifying them across the seas that he may know the enemy prescribed by history. However, Tyler did not know this. His mind was too preoccupied by his office, duties, to contemplate the unstoppable noise. It was in his sleep that his epiphany came, through the God-Emperor himself.
The mind’s eye of Tyler opened in his dreams to find himself in his bed as he’d normally be. Yet, the ground was trembling, shaking violently. Tyler gripped onto his bed as he saw the blessed bulldozer crash through his ceiling. He looked up to find the peaceful one arching his back and outstretching his arms, letting out a mighty “WRYYYYYYYY!” Tyler coutiously shielded his eyes from the glory and majesty of Dio, for if he looked upon him then he may be obliterated. However, Tyler was able to feast his eyes on the glory of Dio, as he was judged to be pure of heart. It is written, “Blessed are those, that are pure of heart; for they will see Dio.” Dio looked down upon him, gazing into Tyler’s soul. It was in this moment that the oinking grew the loudest. Tyler looked upon him, astounded.
“It was you who has been sending these horrible noises to me! Why must you torture me so?” asked Tyler.
Dio outstretched his arm, gesturing to the east. Just as he did so, they were transported above the cities of Spain. The oceans rolled by as Tyler stood still, awed by the display of divine power. In this moment, he noticed a peculiar scene. The Portuguese flags, which had long flown above many a city, were replaced by the native flags of Spain.
“My lord, the piggish nation has returned to this land,” said Tyler.
As soon as he said this, he remembered the holy words of the sacred book. It is written, “As the Spaniards were ancient pakis, Dio decided that he would not exterminate them, and hoped that one day they would recover reason.” Tyler knew that Dio would not have sent him these signs if the Spanish had recovered their reason. Dio had done this because the Spaniards were not teaching their peoples about the Dioist ways, forsaking their past and the sand from which they came.
Tyler knew then that the Portuguese were being used as an instrument of Dio in his grand curse against the Spanish. For it is written, “You have forgotten your roots and you have done unto to our people, because of this you will be the only people that will suffer this curse.” Tyler realized that Dio was calling upon him to fulfill his divine will. Only under the boot of the American machine would Spain truly be oppressed once more. While they have been destined by Dio to wear funny hats and eat paella all their days, their only joy comes from the existence of their state. Under the curse, they should not be allowed any joy. Thus, they must be wiped and forced to suffer their hats, food, and unemployment.
Dio saw in Tyler’s heart that he both knew and accepted Dio’s will. Knowing this, Dio transported them back to where they began and disappeared from the dream. When he did, Tyler awoke in a panic and assembled an emergency meeting of Congress, where he explained the situation.
Unsurprisingly, the motion met no resistance, as all American congressmen were willing to die on the battlefield for the sake of oppressing the Spanish and carving up their flesh for delicious bacon.
Dio was pleased by this, and gave the war his blessing.
It is his will that we go forth now and demolish what remains of the upstart Spanish state. Take up your arms, and empty your pocketbooks. For now, we march forth onto foreign soil, burning, looting, and killing all in sight. The Spanish shall know American power and the community that drives it. The shall be put under the heel of American power and know true oppression.
Down with Spain.
-Derphoof, Secretary of Media
Comments
Hoot Hoot
U a owl
Who wrote this?
Great work!
Hi.
tl;dr: War against Spain, we're all oh so excited.. Who will win?!
Quality as usual.
eUSA stronk
Down with Spain!
[removed]
Good work, but wrong newspaper; this should have been in TB's personal newspaper. This is supposed to the government's official newspaper not the Book of Dio.
So the only reason we are fighting Spain is because of your belief in some gawd of an offshoot sect of the Islamic faith? Unless there is a strategic/bonus reason or there is a Dictator denying the Spanish their freedom, I see no reason to help you have fun.
Separation of church and state.
Yes
Technically, Dioism is the official state religion of the eUnited States since 2010. There is no concept of separation of church and state in this game, primarily due to the lack of religion in the game. Therefore, people use Dioism for entertainment and propaganda purposes as well as enlightenment. As such, this is entertainment/propaganda issued by the eUS Government.
The purpose of the war was already outlined by Tyler in his last article when he said, "You may have noticed there is a pending Natural Enemy on Spain. This is to provide the eUSA with entertainment, True Patriot damage, and support for our Portuguese Allies."
The Department of Information has also published an article about the historical context for war with Spain.
Also, insinuating that Dio is an offshoot god of Islam is terribly ignorant. It can't be an offshoot of Islam. Islam only adheres to one true god, Allah, and Muhammad is his prophet (peace be upon him). If Dio was a god to an Islamic sect, it would be blasphemous.
There is no God. Only Varnish.
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Guru Meditation:
XI😨 460679933
Varnish
http://www.erepublik.com/es/article/el-libro-de-las-revelaciones-de-varnish-cap-tulo-i-991032/1/20
No creo en tu dios! Tu dios parece tipo y divertido, pero esta debil y muy nuevo, en realidad. Nuestro dios es ponderoso, sabio, y muy viejo. Ha estado en la eTierra desde el principio de los tiempos!
Tu dios, "Varnish," no siempre requiere de la sangre de sus enemigos....
(Pero el articulo fue muy bueno y divertido)
I do not accept Dioism as America's 'State Religion', in fact I would accept no religion as America's State Religion; including my own Paganism. I do not accept ANY religion whose Deity demands I kill or convert those who do not believe, nor one one who would throw me into a lake of fire because I did not 'ask' for forgiveness.
What happened to all forgiving and all loving?
No concept of separation of Church and state? Let me enlighten you:
While both intend to exploit me for their own personal gain; the government is not exclusive, in their exploits.
v!
Yo quero Taco Bell
Read it. Loved it. Voted it. Endorsed it. Now going to shout it.
USA is not involved in any active battles.
So much for this great exciting war against the Spaniards.
Good planing btw
Meh
Oh Lordy, this Dio business again.
BTW. I never agreed with Emerick re-naming the country either. Just sayin'.
Well at least this Dio business makes my job more entertaining 😛