[SCANDALOUS]: CONGRESS: A MANIFESTO FOR ALL
Citizen 4945322
Are you sick of dodgy goldfish sellers and their false handlebar mustaches?
Have you got an infestation of armadillos clogging up your settee and eating your cereal?
Do you have a doctorate in Surgery but are unable to get your desired job as the village idiot?
Have you been missold PPI Insurance?
If you are affected by any or all of the above, there is only one solution. For on the 25th of this month, yes this very month (March to be precise) you can vote for me in congress. Does that mean you have to vote UKPP? Sadly yes, but who cares? You get a big steaming plate of me, with onion rings on the side. Who doesn't want that? I'll tell you who: Adolf Hitler. Are you Adolf Hitler? No, I didn't think so.
NO ONION RINGS!
Want to hear all details of my manifesto?
READ THIS:
Farm Racers in West Sussex.
1. I will petition for all donkey transport devices to be banned from our country roads. For too long, farm racers have been abusing these animals for illegal racing, and too many needless lives (2 in forty years) have been lost.
2. I will see that all goldfish sellers be deported to their native Fiji, where they will be exiled for the remainder of their miserly lives.
THERE EVERYWHERE!
3. An Armadillo Infestation Prevention Van shall be positioned on every street corner in an attempt to halt this plague before it affects every settee in this country.
4. I will see that all congressmen be replaced by shit-throwing monkeys, who will NO DOUBT do a better job than all of us anyway.
5. I will convince all of our congressmen that CptChazBeard is the right man for our Presidential position, and will garner their support and campaign towards a successful term.
6. Jobs shall be administered by height. For example 4'5" - Professional Yoda impersonator. 6'7" - Russian Boxer.
So remember, VOTE MORIARTY!
A PAPER POLITICAL EDITION FROM SCANDALOUS. NORMAL SERVICE RESUMES SOON.
Comments
I've been sold 15 baby carrots this month alone! These dodgy goldfish pushers must be stopped and you're the man to do it!
I haven't sat down for weeks since those damn armadillos ate my settee
PURPLE MONKEY DISHWASHER \O/
Without those 'illegal' donkey races, as you put it, what will we do for our Sunday entertainment, Pin the Tail on the Keers is getting boring...
"Pin the Blame" maybe? We could seriously piss off an ally and officially denounce 'EVIL' Keers as the perpetrator
We have jamesw for that game, could always try Moir pinata...
Forgot about jamesw. I'll go and get some candy to shove up Dan you supply the nailed baseball bats
This my friend, is why you deserve to be the glorious, eternal leader of the sunshine eUK...
Thank god for Prof Moriarty, as one of the eUKs largest purveyor of Goldfish I'm having
a lot of problems here with bogus goldfish sellers. One of the risks in carassius auratus
auratus business I'm afraid. But I assure you that I am a completely bona fide. Here's my
diploma in Goldfish Sellers Guild of Swindon. This here shows that I'm a member of the
eUK Goldfish Association, a very important body indeed. Here's a letter from another
eUKGA member in which he mentions that I'm a purveyor of top quality Goldfish. This is
my Goldfish Sellers Club tie, and as you can see the cufflinks match. I've got a copy of
'Goldfish Today' in my bag, which I think is pretty convincing. And a letter here from my
mother in which she confirms that as far as she know I'm not Fijian, and I think you'll
realize that the one person you can't fool is your mother. So if you'd like to ask me any
questions about Goldfish, I bet I can answer them.
So VOTE MORIARTY and help rid the eUK of these Fijian fish mongers!
Horice \o
Are goldfish mammals?
reptiles... duh
they're actually an element symbol Au
Invalidation, I thought everyone knew that Goldfish are any bird of the order Impennes, or Ptilopteri. They are covered with short, thick feathers, almost scalelike on the wings, which are without true quills. They are unable to fly, but use their wings to aid in diving, in which they are very expert....oh wait, that may be penguins?
Horice s:
Wayne, I'm sorry but you are mistaken, as we all know A reptile is any green creature that lives on the land. An amphibian is a lighter green creature that lives on land & in the water. A fish is a gold creature that lives exclusivly in the water!
Horice (:
Well thats the last time I listen to Moir... Cheers for clearing that up Horice!
mwcerberus, I'm not sure where you get your information from. One of the first things we learn at the Goldfish Sellers Guild is that Goldfish very rarely talk, and if they do it's only ever to ask for their water to be changed. AU is a friendly greeting used only amongst friends when entering a bar! Have you ever seen a Goldfish buy a drink? I think not, deep pockets and short fins your average Goldfish in my experience, real mean buggers!
Horice q:
yer that does sound right actually
We can afford cars in East Sussex to race 😉