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[CHARTICLE] Official Announcement

Day 1,371, 12:48 • Published in USA USA

• by Chutley

Official Political Announcement

It seems like everyone and his/her mother are running for Congress these days. As a result, I’ve seen announcement after announcement declaring dozens of candidates’ intentions. So I thought to myself, “Chutley – are you really going to sit back and let everyone else hog the spotlight?” Of course I won’t. Apparently I’m an attention whore, if a comment written a few weeks ago from a certain ex-PotUS is to be believed, so I might as well live up to that description.

Plus, passivity isn’t really my style. So I’d like to make an official announcement of my own. Get ready, because it's huge news.

I, CHUTLEY, WILL NOT BE RUNNING FOR CONGRESS

Here is my platform:

Economy

I solemnly promise to continue to have no idea how this works.

I think vats of pegs have something to do with it, and I’m pretty sure something called taxes is involved, but that’s pretty much all I know. And I’m content to remain ignorant. The only time I really care about a Budget is if they’re offering a better deal than U-Haul on moving day.

Military

I promise to be a passive and apathetic observer about the state of our military affairs.

Sitting in the bleachers on this issue is great. It’s like watching two evenly matched ping pong players hit the ball 70 mph back and forth and back and forth. First to infinity wins!

Citizen Requests

I promise to continue to laugh at the Pizza the Hut/Pierce Vaughn debacle.

It makes for some great articles and, honestly, I’m glad that SoB is back. I like watching him think he’s a real PoTUS candidate then seeing how many multis it takes on election day to garner 8% of the vote.

Involvement

I promise to continue to not visit the eUSA forums at all.

Not even once…this whole month. Maybe even the year. You know what, I think I might never visit it again.

Media

I promise to continue to care way too much about my subscription numbers.

I’m this close to doing some sort of contest to at least get me to 600. And by this close I mean not even close.

Bewbs for Newbs

My views on this: deplorable, juvenile, immature, gross…