[CHARTICLE] A RANT TO EXPLAIN eREPUBLIK

Day 1,681, 16:14 • Published in USA USA • by Chutley
A RANT TO EXPLAIN eREPUBLIK



Now that I’m a Media Mogul, I figured I should write something more informative. But then I realized I don’t really know anything about how eRepublik works, so here's a rant explaining what I do know.



Wars

Wars are those things that pop up on your home page and tell you where you’ll be spending 10 minutes of your day while you push the same two buttons nonstop because, hell, you were just told to do it. And I mean, shit, I want those 5 bazooka parts even if I never do get a goddamn scope. I mean, what is the freaking deal with scopes? I’d honestly trade like 400 triggers for 3 scopes. Just give me a scope.

Wars are also those things that you just blindly accept because people more important than you decide on them and you figure, “Well they know what they’re doing and, honestly I don’t give an iota of a crap who I’m pushing buttons against, so why should I bother figuring out what's happening?”

Wars are also those things that make no sense because like 10% of the time you’re actually supposed to fight for the other side because we’re trying to lose that country for some reason like, I don’t know, like, Ireland would attack us but not Romania or something so let’s let Romania take over New Jersey. Which would really be totally hilarious in real life when you think about it.

Like you have to call up all your friends in Trenton or Jersey City and say, “Hey guys, I know this might sound weird, but you’re going to have to leave your houses and help Romanians move into them so Irish people can’t, I don’t know, rape your wives and sisters and steal all of your pharmaceutical jobs.”

And they’re like, “So should we move somewhere else?”

And you’re like, “Nah, you’re fine, they’re just going to come live with you for a little while until this whole Ireland thing blows over and they decide they’d rather attack Ecuador because, you know, geographically that makes a ton of sense.”


Elections

Elections are those things where people who want 5 gold give away a lot of tanks and money to other people so they can win against other people who are also giving away tanks and money but who haven’t spammed everyone in their state seven times in order to get the 5 gold.

And elections are also that thing where those people are competing against other people who have avatars that tell other people to vote for other people. Those people with those avatars are on the ballot because they are blocking other people from taking votes from the other people whose names are in their avatars. And the reason they’re blocking is because jerks are trying to politically take over (PTO) their party and grab a congress seat, but that’s a whole different story.

So, elections are also that thing where there are snipers who stay up until 3:00 am in order to place a last minute vote in whatever state they’re told to because their party is probably going to lose that state unless the people who are up at 3:00 am quickly move there in an effort to outsmart the other party. But that other party is doing the exact same thing so it ends up going right back to where it started. And then the snipers lose a lot of sleep and are tired the next day wondering why they stayed up so late.


Owning A Company

Owning a company is, at first, that thing where people who have amassed a small amount of gold figure out that they can buy companies in order to produce their own Q1 bread. And then it’s that thing where people realize they don’t have enough resources to make their bread so they have to buy a different company to produce the resources they need for their bread.

Then owning a company is that thing where people get tired of only making bread and realize that for a certain amount of gold they can upgrade their company to produce dishes that look like lean cuisines and then the next day on the site there's:

”Limited offer: Upgrade your factories for 44% less gold!!!!!.

So then owning a company becomes that thing you hate because you just wasted precious gold like 10 hours before Plato decided to put that damn offer up because you didn’t realize that not all limited offers were bullcrap like:

“Buy 10 candy bars for only 500 real dollars!”

Then finally, owning a company is that thing you realize other people do way more of than you and you can’t understand how all those other people are trotting out like 300 tanks per day and use them to kill you while you’re still using that space where the handgun should be but is really just a bitch slap.


Battle Heroes

Battle heroes are those people that produced Q6 tanks with lots of money and then go out and kill the shit out of other people who don’t spend lots of money. They’re also those people who prevent me from ever getting a Battle Hero medal because all I have is a puny effing Q2 weapons factory and a few dinky candy bars.


Congress

Congress is that thing that people do for either one month and then get disillusioned because either no one listened to their ideas and/or they simply had bad ideas (like this person), or it’s that thing that people do for at least 6 months and run all the crap I don’t understand while not listening to the people who have done it for one month.

Congress is also that thing that votes on taxes and VATs and alliances and enemies and they all do this on secret forums that you can’t access because you didn’t pay tanks and money to people in order to get 5 gold and win an election.


Captcha Challenges

They’re those things that pop up when you’ve spent too much time on the site and the Internet stops believing that a real person could actually press that many inconsequential buttons on one single site in such a short period of time.

And sometimes they’re those things that are impossible. For instance, take a look at the one I had to complete to vote:



Refresh, thank you very much

Media Moguls

Media Mogul is that thing that used to be an enormous achievement but is now only somewhat of an achievement because you can get close to having a Media Mogul by either spending a lot of money or by having people who like you spend a lot of money without you knowing it while you’re sleeping and then you wake up the next day and you’re like:

“Wow, that’s cool, but how the hell did that happen?”

And then you’re like, “I feel sort of dirty because I worked really hard to get 600 of my own subs and now I have another 600 and I’m not sure I deserve it.”

But then it’s that thing where you’re like, “Fck it, I have a Media Mogul trophy and an extra 5 gold and if someone likes me enough to spend all that money so I can have those things perhaps I have done enough.”

But then you’re like, “No, I didn’t do enough and I was just rationalizing it to resolve my own cognitive dissonance but fck it I’m done thinking about it and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get up to 1600 subscriptions and feel like I’ve really earned it.”

So then you write an article like this one in the hopes that people will chain shout it and get you more subs.


/Rant over.

Explainingly,
Chutley




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