[BS] An eReligion That Won't Make You Sick and Kill You

Day 1,881, 09:48 • Published in USA USA • by SColbert


Hello Nation,

We are a great country.

Does that statement shock you? It shocks me to even have to say it. To be forced by your doubt to say out loud that America is exceptional implies something ugly. It’s like telling the host of a dinner party, “I’m certain your wife is a female.” Saying it out loud feels wrong, no matter how large her hands are. Plus the word “is” shouldn’t even be there. It’s putting too much distance between “America” and “Exceptional.”

“Now how do we erase that doubt Steven?” Is probably what you are thinking right now. Well first off, it is Stephen. And secondly stop thinking. I need you to start feeling because if you really thought about America, you would realize, we are under PTO, alliance-less, our economy sucks, and that we had to elect Pfeiffer a guy no one really likes, but somehow won the Unity vote anyway. That’s why I’m asking you to feel about America. Really feel. So please close your eyes for the rest of this article. Are they closed? Good, let’s continue.

Bad news for the godless: religion is inescapable. There has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don’t point to communist societies like the Soviet Union- they worshipped blue jeans. Of course beatniks, peaceniks, and no-goodniks question why we need religion. “Imagine,” they croon, “there’s no countries. It isn’t hard, it’s true. Nothing to fight or kill for, and no religion too.” You may find that idea appealing because it rhymes. But so does this: “God said to Noah there’s gonna be a floody-floody/ Get those children out of the muddy-muddy.”

The “children” mentioned in that Bible verse didn’t think they needed religion either, and look what happened to them (drowny-drowny). Bottom line: Religion is the cornerstone of civilization. Without it, we would have no laws, no morality, no social structure, and no guidelines for furnishing our tabernacles. We would exist in a state of valueless depravity, like they do in Holland.

Good news: Religion does exist. And so mankind can benefit from its numerous gifts. Recently though a lot of “gods” have been thrown around. From Dio Brando, to Publius, to Candor, to even some weird German (see Hitler) we have seen a lot of gods lately. The average (and may I say very good looking) citizen might be confused as to who they should be following. Well ladies and gentlemen worry no longer. I have decided to get into this “god-emperor” business. And why not? Everyone seems to be doing it, so we might as well have someone who is always right in charge.

Now like most god-emperors I have humble beginnings. I was born the child of Mazzy and Bia. If you are wondering how that worked out- stop! Didn’t I tell you to stop thinking? I grew up in hard neighborhood. One day a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighbourhood. I got in one little fight and my moms got scared, and said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-air." Well from there I had many adventures, most ending conveniently with life lessons. I went on to study at Dartmouth. From there I worked at the Daily Show, and now work at The Colbert Report. If you really want my holy gospel check out my two books I Am America (And So Can You) and America Again: Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t.

Who’s worshipping me now? With my religion I decided to go with the Scientology approach. If you leave you are shunned for life, if you stay you have to pay a shit ton of money to advance, but we do have all the hottest celebs that all the kids love. Celebrities like: Kirk Douglas, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and Denis Norden. Also just like Scientology the French government is suing us!

I am sure you are wondering what exactly my religion is all about. Well like I said it is all in books. So I will give you time to go over to your bookshelf by the fireplace, and pick up your copies. Have them? Good. If you do not own my books, and are still reading this, go to a bookstore and buy them now. We will wait. Ok so now that he is gone, does anyone else think he gained weight? I didn’t want to mention it while he was here but... Oh you’re back. Borrowed a friend’s copies? Ok then.

Well moving on. My religion is all about me. What else is there to life? I know through truthiness that I am right, so what else is there to discuss? Don’t worry I am a merciful god. I only require that you sacrifice your first born, if I am in a bad mood. Like when the Giants lose, or the local ice cream parlor is out of my favorite flavor. What I will not tolerate though is homosexuality. It just makes me so mad thinking about those men getting all physical with each other, that I just want to get into my old unitard and work myself into sweaty rage and wrestle one of those gays into submission until they promise to stop their sinful ways. The only other thing that I will not tolerate are bears. They are godless, killing machines that deserve to perish. Oh, and don’t ask me my opinion on owls. They are just a waste of time.

America is Exceptional. We just aren’t being exceptional right now, because the false gods and their worshipers have taken control of our great nation. To take it back I ask that you join my religion; Benign Stephanism, or BS for short. I call upon all citizens to join BS and spread BS throughout the world, whether it be through word of mouth or through the sword. Together we can restore America’s greatness.


BS IN OUR MINDS
BS IN OUR HEARTS
BS NOW AND FOREVER