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..........................................Inhabitants of eFinland..........................................


The time has finally come for you to be told the truth about your origin.

For years now you've been living in a lie fabricated for your own protection. A lie that started a long, long time ago, in the cold Autumn days of 2008, when you Finns were nothing but rural tribesmen, barely able to walk upright. You were just a small collection of primitive natives oblivious of your own nudity, incapable of understanding tools more advanced than a sharpened rock. Your inner dreams you expressed through finger painting gigantic pictures of church boats on cliff sides. That was your idea of high culture...

You lived a meager existence, collecting berries and roots and catching mice and rats to provide nutrition for your frail bodies. The concept of farming for food was completely unknown to you, and you considered it a blessing from the gods if you found a rotten, half devoured reindeer carcass in the woods. For that you thanked your imaginary deities with grunts and guttural noises while having ceremonial intercourse in your damp cave saunas...

Civilization? Tsch! You didn't even understand the meaning of the word!

That is, until we arrived...


The arrival of the Elitists to the feral country of Finland

We were on our way to rejoin the war fleet when a system failure forced us to make an emergency landing on your planet. Unfortunately, it happened to be in one of the most inhospitable regions in the whole world... nay, in the whole universe! But we were not discouraged by the adversaries created by the mere forces of nature, for we are immortals that had traveled through the infinity and harnessed the enormous forces of the cosmos itself!

While being stranded on your planet, unable to find the necessary supplies to mend our vessel, we eventually discovered your pitiful species cowering in the ice and snow. Despite your obviously lacking mental faculties, we saw potential in you.

We decided to assume your form and raise you from your meager existence. We taught you how to walk upright and how to express yourself through words, not through violence. We gave you the skill of writing to pass information, to record your own history. We showed you how to use basic farming tools, how to build houses, weapons, hospitals, defense systems, luxury items... everything your feeble minds could not even comprehend before.

And most important of all, we taught you how to hide your hideous bestial features behind clothing!

Once you were strong enough, we taught you to feel pride and helped you establish a nation of your own to thrive and prosper in. We gave you liberty from the oppressive Norwegian regime and handed you the keys to control your own destiny.

In secret, we guided your every step of the way and molded you to serve your ultimate purpose. We gave you culture, civilization, art, order, law, language... a reason to exist! We made you all that you are today! We offered you the secrets of the universe itself!


Civilization and culture was brought to the forsaken country and it prospered

And how did you repay us?

You turned the art of speech against us. Speech, that was meant to express the highest of emotions, that was meant for the recitation of the greatest of songs and poems, to relay ideals and information. You used it to repeat three brutish words that your thick heads were capable of memorizing: ”Perkele"!”, ”Karjala!” and ”vodka!”.

You took the art of farming and used it to brew alcohol to destroy the minds that we so hard tried to cultivate. For you, it seems, existence is a curse. The responsibility of bettering yourself fills you with such agony that you must drown it with drugs and alcohol. Perhaps so you can once again return to being nothing more than ignorant animals.

Everything we taught you, you twisted into a new, grotesque shape that spat in the face of your gods! Us! Your insolence kept on growing and eventually you even dared to attack us, YOUR CREATORS, with accusations of ”elitism” and ”sauna club'ing”! You, who lived in huts made of dung before us!

And the clothes-- dear lord, they did not stay on!

But like a father forgives his wayward son, so will we forgive you your infantile behavior. We never had much expectations towards you, anyway. You have fulfilled your purpose... adequately.

We didn't teach you out of pity or because we wanted you to join the civilized races of the universe. No, your race is too weak and timid to survive the challenges of the universe. We only needed a labor force to gather us resources to be used to build us a way out of this wretched hellhole you call Terra.

With the fruits of your labor the Conduit has now been finished and we can finally start our journey beyond the stars and back to our home!


The Conduit, waiting for activation

This powerful teleporter tower located in the forsaken regions of Lapland was constructed in secrecy with the gold and resources you provided us. It shall open a portal to a new future for us immortals. A future, where none of you may follow. Just like how Adam and Eve were evicted from Paradise after disobeying God, so have you been barred from taking part in the Great Journey.

Tomorrow, on the 6th day of this month we will pass through the gate and leave this world. The ownership of the land will return to you. Feel free to destroy it in any manner you feel fit. In that department you're a most gifted species...

One day, we will return together with the war fleet and that will mark the beginning of your doom when your pitiful race will be removed from the face of the planet. Your graves will be a sufficient foundation for the Interstellar Starbucks that will be build on Terra.

Enjoy your new found freedom, humans. It will not last.



-Operative Os'hu
Exarch of the 3rd Elitist Invasion Fleet
Ambassador to the Galactic Marmoset Empire