The Miracle At Minnesota

Day 3,409, 12:26 • Published in USA Canada • by Xichael



Post-Operation Report and MoD Briefing Notes

Note 1: Regarding the capture and occupation of Minnesota, Canadian control of the region is now absolute. As a result of the Serbian occupation domination please send hel- [redacted] visitation upon our northern territories, Minnesota should be immediately declared a territory just so we can once again claim to have such things. "Minnesota" has been renamed to "Minnesota, eh" to ensure Canadians do not have to deal with the gruff and barbaric American linguistic system.



American is a natural target of Canadian aggression because its long land border does not necessitate naval elements. New ships soon, though



Note 2: Allegations of war crimes have been greatly exaggerated, but are not without merit. The MoFA is advised to take appropriate measures to avoid international censure. In a particularly fierce engagement, Canadian forces were left with no other alternative but to have Nickleback perform a live concert outside a surrounded military installation. The valiant American fighters resisted for an entire 12 minutes (exactly 2:27 into the song Photograph, to be exact) before surrendering en masse, but not before suffering numerous casualties. One initial survivor remarked "I actually kind of like Nicklb-" before being set upon by his peers. Another stated that our soldiers were so ruthless that he likened them to "Geese, the vicious northern variety, but hopped up on maple syrup and Timmies and crapping on your lawn at 5am."



In the vastness of Ontario's north, Canadian scientists no longer experiment with nuclear or biological agents, but cultural contaminants, deeming them much more effective



Note 3: Advanced preparations ensured an orderly invasion. Advanced bases local Tim Horton's franchises prepared American locals for assimilation into mainstream Canadian culture. Tim Horton's will be launching an extended Roll Up The Rim campaign in the region to placate any dissidents. However, one particularly perceptive local was heard stating that the Tim Horton's franchises resembled "some kind of Canadian mosques."



Former American special forces have already begun adapting to Canadian culture



Note 4 (Special): The American butts are ripe for plunder. Tembutt will be most pleased! The local population of Minnesota will be compliant.



Canadian President TemujinBC is expected to volunteer for the newly opened position of Governor-in-Butts of Minnesota



Note 5: The withdrawal from Minnesota in the near future can be expected to go smoothly. Canadian Forces have already begun deployment of the weapon that will ensure that the region becomes inhospitable for decades to come. Justin Beiber minus passport and any other identifying documents The weapon arrived in the region last night and will be deployed in [city name redacted] to ensure maximum effectiveness.



Justin Beiber was apprehended and purged of any identification to ensure that he cannot be legally returned to Canada. Godspeed USA.



Note 6: It is recommended that a border wall be constructed. This would ensure that the weapon does not find its way back into our country, but it will also ensure that our troops do not accidentally pillage Thunder Bay, Ontario again. As a result of similar geography, Canadian soldiers were convinced that they had arrived in Minnesota when they began terrorizing the city. They were only persuaded otherwise when they tasted the beer and confirmed that it did not taste like shit. Canadian troops will now be trained to taste the local brew before they begin pillaging.



As a result of similar terrain and culture, it is recommended that the border be more clearly defined. Or next time just come through Manitoba, because no one really gives a shit about what happens there



Conclusion:

The invasion of Minnesota may be viewed as miraculous, but it was truly a masterful execution of Canadian strategy. Despite several setbacks, Canadian forces were able to overcome their more numerous American opponents through a mix of terrible pop culture icons, excruciatingly overrated music, superior alcoholic beverages and preliminary cultural assimilation. The invasion was conducted so flawlessly that the American reaction has been described as indifference. One American lawmaker simply shrugged and asked "Minnesota? Wasn't that part of Canada already?"



That moment when US President Derphoof realizes they fucked up