The Fix Is In

Day 2,021, 20:24 • Published in USA USA • by Jakov Mikhailovich

Jakov is starting a haberdashery and he’s about to make a damn lotta hats.

The following views are NOT endorsed by the Federalist Party who have more tolerance for bull pucky than I do.

First of all, I want to demolish, rape, and murder the mother of the argument that the Feds are the “elitist” party simply because we’re the biggest party and have the most members. How can I do that? If only I had some definitive…

POPULAR VOTE IN THE TOP 4:
Paul Proteus: 85, Tenshibo: 60

Yes, the Feds are clearly the disenfranchising party here because they are upset that a candidate that won nearly 60% of the vote ought to be the official candidate of the country that overwhelmingly selected him. Even in the REAL United States with our questionable Electoral College, when a candidate gets 60% of the popular vote, it’s called a rout. In our Disunity Elections, it’s called a narrow defeat. This is the angriest I’ve ever been at a browser game since that swarm of locusts wiped my entire cotton crop in Farmville. I had to eat my dog.


Feds, I can’t believe you would try to marginalize the margin! Don’t you know Pfeiffer backs Tenshibo?


The Federalist Party is the largest party because the grass roots is always the largest segment of the population. You know why no elitist candidate would ever come from the Feds? Because we have the least Unity Election power. Each of our people basically gets half as much sway as someone from We The People because we have twice as many members that go toward the same, single “party vote”. What elitist would run in a party whose people don’t have the voting power of a smaller party? We have had old, well-respected players become completely frustrated because everyone in the Federalists gets a say. We do not hand people elections based on their eRep birthday or how much damage they do. It’s based on their commitment and merit. Because you belong to a small party, it is easier for your party to be commandeered by a handful of voters. Maybe even voters that don’t vote before your election closes. Maybe by a couple of elites who choose to keep the election running until they get the results they want. Which brings me to…

The WTP Cluster F$^%


I do not blame WTP as a whole. Your party was hijacked by a few people. I feel sorry for every member of We The People who democratically elected Paul Proteus and got a turd shoved in their face. You believed in your party, you helped Paul get a 60% margin of victory that, through legerdemain, was turned into a defeat. Join the Feds. We will deal with you plain. Look, we let each party decide how they want to handle their own primary, but is it too much to ask that you run those primaries consistently and fairly? If your primary vote runs for a variable amount of time until the establishment candidate gets elected, why even bother making a spectacle of it? Why didn’t one elitist open the poll, cast one vote, and close it? Or hey, just declare by fiat whom you are supporting. You WAY over-thought this, We The Puppeteers.


Hmmmm. What if this month, we only allow the votes of people who role play as cats in IRC?


Oh, and what was their lame excuse? We plum done forgot how many dem days were in May (sickening how the cunning mind plays ignorant). This may help next month since your computer’s calendar appears to be malfunctioning. I learned it on Lambchop’s Play-Along:


The valleys are all months with less than 31 days and the knuckles are when you bend a deserving candidate over a barrel and fist him.

Intermission: An Apology

When I first got into this game, Fingerguns told me she supported US-AIM. My response was that if most of our military wouldn’t follow the eUS’s government, it seriously diminishes the strength of the eUS. We can’t be counted on to battle where the government tells its allies it will. We may undo negotiations between governments based on what US-AIM does. I was under some delusion that the government of the eUS deserved to be supported and followed. Sometimes the government doesn’t deserve to be followed. Thank you for the support and outrage in this debacle from a converted Tory.


Hey, guys, the tea is one boat over. These are the crates with WTP’s calendars.

Also, since this is the apology section, I noticed that I have made and am going to make a LOT of references to being raped. If this offends you, you've probably already stopped reading. I consider myself handy with a metaphor, but sometimes only one will do.

Addressing The Fed Backlash: AMP

A lot of people have been upset at the Feds during this election cycle because some of our more partisan members (me, Greene, et al) harangued and harried AMP after they elected a PTOer. You clearly let petty disputes blind you to a PTO threat. Yes, it was a mistake that stemmed from trust. Yes, in some ways you were the victim. But, don’t you think you deserve a LITTLE bit of blowback and a little bit of razzing for this? You didn’t just hurt your own party. Your infighting jeopardized the entire country. The least you can do is take a little flak. You forced everyone else to scramble to cover for you. Max MacFarland opened his wallet to buy votes to entice people away from PTOers (for which he was unfairly maligned). You caused us grief. Can’t we vent some frustrations at you without the butthurt? Again, this is NOT the entire party. Your voter turnout was 28 people, and of those, only 6 votes separated Paul from Tenshibo. Unfortunately, those 6 people have twice as much voting power as anyone from the Feds contributing to Paul’s 2:1 losstory. Still, if you’re willing to deal with that handicap, and you think AMP has strayed too far away from its original established purpose of thwarting Pfeiffer to now supporting the Pfeiffer (who tanks for TWO… you know, the guys we are at war with) candidate, join the grass roots. AMP, we don’t hold you MORE accountable than Serbia. SHIELD is doing everything it can to topple those dogs. At no point did the Feds ever say they would stop helping you with ATO with our customary no reward or thanks. In fact, much less than thanks, you call us elitists even though we lend you our numbers every month to keep America strong. At no point did we take our offer off the table of sending Malarkey over to your party to help you tighten your security measures. No, we just made fun of you because you because you frustrated us.


Ok, so I opened ONE little box and unleashed all known horrors onto the entire world, but haven’t you considered how that makes me FEEL?

And The Most Important Reason Your Anger Is Misdirected

When I, or Greene, go on partisan tirades against other parties, do you have any idea who is the FIRST person to speak up in the name of diplomacy and civility? Saint Paul F&%*ing Proteus, The Lambheart. Punishing Paul for anything Greene or I said is ridiculous. I speak my mind, and if my mind is in a trolling mood, I troll. Paul Proteus is the one who puts me in my place, and that’s why he’s my best friend. I am a loose cannon. Paul Proteus belongs in the canon.


“Is it not written that if a party requires you to send them an ATO member, send ye them two instead? Amen.”


What’s The Jakov Solution for the Feds?


Pointing out problems without offering solutions makes you a whiner. In order of how much I like them from most to least:

1.) Run Paul anyway/ask Tenshibo to step down, honorably.

Why do I like it? The people overwhelmingly voted for Paul Proteus. I can’t abide by a democracy that doesn’t represent its constituents.

Why don’t I like it? You don’t deserve Paul. It might give RGR a chance to win.


2.) Encourage all Feds to completely abstain from voting.

Why do I like it? You don’t want our “elitist,” candidates, so you don’t deserve our elitist votes. You deserve RGR.


Why don’t I like it? RGR deserves nothing.


3.) Encourage Feds and our US-AIM brothers-in-outrage to move to New Zealand and start anew.

Why do I like it? If America is not democratic, it isn’t America anyway. New Zealand could be a utopian society where merit and the rule of majority is supreme.

Why don’t I like it? Utopia means “no place,” it’d go FUBAR in 3 days. Lamb is only my 7th favorite meat (for the recor😛 beef, venison, buffalo, pork, turkey, chicken).

4.) Take this one on the chin. Endorse no candidate this time. Blow Unity apart next month.

Why do I like it? It implies this country can be salvaged. It’s what Saint Paul F&%^ing Proteus, The Lambheart would want.

Why don’t I like it? It implies this country can be salvaged. It’s the same timid weakness we imbibe in every month hoping to curry the favor of the people that hate us, and it’s the one we’ll most likely take as cooler heads than mine rule the Feds.


A Final (FINALLY) Few Comments:


- Yes, I know Paul would have lost anyway. However, the Powers That Be didn’t know what the 6th parties would do. They are less controllable than WTP. Again, Paul won the popular vote out of hand. Also, The Seed didn’t get a vote in the 6th party election. How convenient. The fraud abounds.
- Yes, I am aware that I probably sound butthurt. It is a natural reaction when you are butt-raped.
- I was told by high-ranking members of my party not to post this article, but like I said before, I am a loose cannon, and if I have learned anything from the last 48 hours, it’s not to listen to the establishment (even of a grass roots party like the Feds) when your heart says otherwise.
- Yes, I was originally given incorrect vote totals in my article, but if you think that Paul "only" winning by the voting base of the AMP is something to be smug about, you're probably drinking WTP's Kool-Aid on February 30th (I assume that missing day went somewhere).

-Jakov

Good God and jelly, I’m turning Google’s SafeSearch filter back on when I search for Bowser pics next time. Bowser was doing things to Princess Toadstool, the likes of which I haven’t seen since Paul Proteus ran against the establishment.