White House Press Release - Oct. 14

Day 1,059, 20:54 • Published in USA USA • by James S. Brady Press Room
”Eugene Harlot once went to France on vacation for two weeks. The French baby boom occurred 9 months later.”



Quick Links:

- Talk with people on IRC, so you can be scared in real time here.
- Read the FEC election update.
- Like to fight? Join the Training Corps. Fight for your country!
- Prefer to do less bloody activities? Fill out a form at the eUS Department of Human Resources.
- Need food? Meals on Wheels has you covered. Sign up for free food here.



And now a special WHPR from Kentel

Mother America:

Now, normally I despise everything in Russia that’s even remotely masculine (rea😛 Russian women can be rather attractive). However, their dedication to country, no matter who is in charge is quite inspiring. At least that’s what I’ve been led to believe by movies. That’s what I’m going to run with it.

We could use a bit more dedication and faith in our government. The recent exoduses to Pakistan and New Zealand have shown us that large numbers of our active citizens don’t feel a special sort of connection to the eUnited States. That needs to change. This isn’t something a government program can fix. People can only start to get a sense of loyalty by feeling that the community is something worth being accountable to and sticking around for.

I’m going to give you a Kindergarten-level goal. I want you to make one friend (bro, if you’d prefer. I know I do). I don’t mean the crappy “NAO I CAN SEE UR SHOUTS” kind either. I mean the type where you would feel confident enough to tell them, “I’m a 12 year old girl. Here’s where I live and when I’m home alone.”

That’s how close we need to be as a country. This is a game, you aren’t going to be loyal to the eUnited States. You’re going to be loyal to the people that make up its wonderful nature.

Hey, I’m not even telling you that you have to like everyone. In fact, a common hatred can bring a community together, even if only for a single thread (see: Dan Wang). The fact is, you need to find something to stay around for. If it’s hoping that one day Astra might finally acknowledge your presence, go for it. If it’s to become the GREATEST SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR OF ALL TIME, do it. If your goal is to become Speaker of the House, then you have poor tastes in goals. All the same, make it happen. Someone needs to fill that incredibly useful role.

In summary:
- lrn2friend
- Get a goal, the soccer (football, for all you Belgians) kind, obviously.



Operation: Monkey Buisness:

I’m supposed to write this section for those of you who don’t have contact with any other people. And live alone in the woods. In a basement. With many cats. Without a job. And with a bed made of Mountain Dew cans.

It was far too complicated for me to understand normally, so I had my special assistant dumb it down for me. What he told me was this:

“Ummm, sir. It really is not that complex. The government is giving away free like, everything. To like, anyone who even requests it. You know, like food and stuff. Weapons. Like, you know. To everyone.”

Apparently I need to stop hiring blonde Valley-girls as assistants. They use too many big words. What I gathered, is that the government is going to give everyone free food and weapons. After incredibly long and exhaustive research (reading the thread devoted to it), I learned that you could get food and weapons every day for roughly a week. That’s p cool.

You can request weapons and food here. Remember, you can do it each day until you can’t eat or fight anymore. Volunteers will start filling up your inventories throughout the day Friday (Day 1060). Please be patient 🙂

If you’re so kewl that you want to help distribute all this, volunteer here.

Don't hate me,

Kentel
Greatest White House Press Release writer of all time. Of all time.