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The Fieldist Volume II, Issue 14
The News Billy Mays Doesn't Want You to Know!

Misleading Title Fools Greedy Consumers
That's right, we at the Fieldist lied to you. We can't give you money, because frankly, it'd be too much for me to foot. Also, I despise those kinds of articles. Let this be a lesson to you... Those kinds of articles don't give you much substance.

Wait! Don't leave! While you're here, you might as well stick around and read the paper. We'll give you substance, if not subsistence. We'll give you substance up the wazoo!

Former Presidential Candidate Missing, Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Since his exclusive report on the second attempted coup on UncleSam, former UIP presidential candidate, Jewitt, has dropped off the map. The USA's most prominent Uippie, also an avid economist, and editor-in-chief of the Jewitt Report leaves behind only a saved kitten. The kitten, which refused to give its name, but all agree is very cute, seemed unwilling to answer questions, and only indicated that it had not seen Jewitt for the last five days.

Police are baffled after searching Jewitt's campaign headquarters. The only clues found that might indicate the whereabouts of Jewitt are some half-eaten donuts, a note in the candidate's handwriting saying, "Tennessee: I formally announce my candidacy for Congress," and large letters written in human blood or strawberry jam on the wall, reading, "Gone, Baby, Gone."

If you see this man stumbling about, please notify the proper authorities. A kitten misses him.

Fieldist More Popular than Libertarian Updates
The Fieldist is proud to announce that more people subscribe to the Fieldist than to the Libertarian Bulletin. While we harbor no ill-will towards this nation's second most populous party (but strangely the third highest percentage in Congress) we would like to say this to the Libertarians: we kicked your ass.

There's only the facts here people, more Americans get their news from the Fieldist, the smartest and most proudly patriotic newspaper in the US Media. Who accurately predicted the details of Invasion of Mexico, but also dubbed it "Operation Taco Bell," a name that stuck? Who reported first in America on the Austro-German Union?

Was it the Libertarians? No!

It was the Fieldist, the newspaper read by American patriots everywhere. So Fieldist readers, here's to you, the seekers of the truths only the Fieldist can offer.

Endorsements
Washington: mindflay (CvP)

If you'd like to be endorsed by the Fieldist, simply make sure that when you announce your candidacy, you nominate SamWystan for Secretary of Fun/Fun Czar. The Fieldist is an equal-opportunity endorser, with no regard for political party, gender, incumbency, or state of residence.