WEEKEND Time for Jokes!
Day 1,593, 09:07
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Published in Australia 
•
by
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by Ryan Southcombe
The dumb person
A woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
"Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."
"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.
Mr and Mrs Smith
Mr. Smith was unable to give Mrs. Smith any children. They decided to
use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon. I know it will
be weird but remember how much we want a family."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to . . ."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty
of babies, you know."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh, my God !" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?"
asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes wide in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "and for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I had to rush. Finally,
when the squirrels began sniffing on my equipment, I just packed it
all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they were actually sniffing
your, uhh.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?
.............
Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Airplane Slogans
he Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans
1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.
15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.
Military Humor
-misunderstanding terms
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
-never challenge a bomber
An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."
A woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.
"Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."
"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."
"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The woman became interested and decided to play the game.
"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".
The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.
After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.
Mr and Mrs Smith
Mr. Smith was unable to give Mrs. Smith any children. They decided to
use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon. I know it will
be weird but remember how much we want a family."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to . . ."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty
of babies, you know."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh, my God !" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?"
asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes wide in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "and for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I had to rush. Finally,
when the squirrels began sniffing on my equipment, I just packed it
all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they were actually sniffing
your, uhh.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?
.............
Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Airplane Slogans
he Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans
1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.
15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.
Military Humor
-misunderstanding terms
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
-never challenge a bomber
An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."
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Comments
have a fun weekend, ryan !
o/
lol