We Are All Communists Now!

Day 1,140, 15:52 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 3
"The Fieldist, approved by the Irish" ~MrConwayTwitty, Great Irishman


St Krems Runs For Presidency
Former President and Talleyrand-Lite St Krems has returned to challenge presidential contenders Haliman (USWP-led Coalition) Inwegen (Lib-Imp), Jovan Tekelija (S.E.E.S.) and Ana Belle (EI APA). Mr. Krems will challenge them on the Furry Party Ticket, making it the second sixth-party candidate in the race (there is some doubt as to the EI APA ticket, since Ms. Belle holds Mexican citizenship). Current President Josh Frost won as a sixth-party candidate with support from some Top 5 parties. Current analyses of the race point to a Haliman victory on January 5th, due to what opponents have derisively nicknamed "The Two-Clicker Coalition".

Mr. Krems represents a spoiler effect to Mr. Inwegen, the chosen successor to Mr. Frost. Mr. Inwegen has based much of the debate around the presidency on the ushering in of the PANAM alliance, of which Mr. Krems is widely perceived to be the architect, severely undercutting that point. A source at Mr. Inwegen's campaign headquarters denied that Mr. Krems would have any effect on the final outcome of the election.


(Technically, we call this a spoiler, but you really can't make it to 20 without knowing that ROSEBUD IS HIS SLED!)

"Krems is an independent personality on the world stage, and this is nothing more than a little humor he's interjecting," said the nervous source, before wheeling on a subordinate and shouting "get me some [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] on that [expletive] [expletive] or I'll flay you alive!" He turned back, and smiled unconvincingly, "that's for our... um... 'Taint Dems' operation."

Premier Haliman's campaign seemed more secure. "Mr. Krems is a pitiful fly in the ointment of victory," said an imposing heavy of Mr. Haliman's. "We shall crush him like I crush chips before I eat them." He then did so, to prove his point. The Fieldist personally likes our chips uncrushed, but we can see it from the opposing point of view.

Mr. Krems' foreign policy consists of invading Sweden, bits of India, and occupying the American part of Russia.


Americans Engaged In Communism
A recent poll by Chesehead Polling (The Fieldist assures you that is how it's spelled) recently found that 56.1% of Americans work on communes, rather than working for pure wages. 29.8% said they did not work on communes, and 14% found themselves to be Michael Porter, although the sources close to the pollster admitted that in fact only 1.75% of respondents could in fact be Michael Porter. The others are merely impostors.


(We are all dirty hippies now)

This figure points to an abandonment of capitalism and a massive secondary economy based on the exchange of labor for goods according to need instead of for wages. This presents a startling contrast to the idea of America as a capitalist paradise. Indeed, capitalism appears to be reduced to a minority occupation, although the commune system may provide employers with greater access to wealth than their workers. One questions whether the Socialist Freedom Party needs to exist, since socialism is pretty much the status quo in America.

Congress is, of course, looking to mitigate this problem (which may wreak havoc on tax revenues) by raising the minimum wage, though the measure faces opposition from various positions, including proposed Secretary of the Interior HobbitTon. Said a congressional spokesperson "commune workers are traitors. Now shut up, quit whining, and take your medicine."


EDEN Not Dead, Americans Shocked To Learn
Once again, despite many rumors to the contrary, EDEN has not collapsed. While Phoenix has had even its Secretary General admit that the alliance exists only on paper, EDEN is still intact, having seen absolutely no withdrawals from the alliance. Member-nations have said that EDEN is "in a comfortable phase right now, like a pair of slippers. Sure, we have our disagreements (Romania & Poland), but what alliance doesn't at this point?" It represents a stark contrast to Phoenix, whose members were constantly drunk and shouting at one another, waking up neighboring countries at all hours of the night.


(Once again, I get to use this image)

Americans were shocked to find this out. "I thought Poland was allying Hungary?" said one American. "Sweden is still around?" said another. "I thought Croatia was joining us in PANAM," said a third, continuing "Croatia's in South America, right?"


Terrible Organizations
Organizations. Some of us love them. Some of us hate them. Some of us have two we never use, and really should just sell off. Some of us have apparently gold we wouldn't want to waste on ourselves, and have made hundreds. We then use these organizations to vote up our crappy articles. Sometimes we vote up "important" articles like the Department of Defense's daily "join the Military" article (oh, I guess it contains orders as well).

I'm glad that organizations are going away. For one thing, I'm sure it will give the eRep Voters' Club relevance again (I really don't much about that group). But for another, it means that quality writing might actually get some Top 5 spots, instead of having it bumped off. That crappy scammer noticed bumped Claire Littleton's interview with President Frost off the Top 5 Articles. That's a travesty, both because Claire is a fine writer, but also because it's Frost's last and his words are actually quite incredible.

Organizations will be going away eventually, though we don't know when. Until then, Viva Quality and Muerte to Organizations!

P.S. Wouldn't it be funny if this got org voted?

THE FIELDIST ANNOUNCEMENTS

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Quintessential: Staff Writer
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ProjectPsion: Contributing Writer
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