Volcano Blows, Tumult Erupts

Day 880, 14:14 • Published in USA USA • by Silas Soule
Volcano Blows; Tumult Erupts



"Life is a narrow vale between the cold and barren peaks of two eternities. We strive in vain to look beyond the heights. We cry aloud, and the only answer is the echo of our wailing cry. From the voiceless lips of the unreplying dead there comes no word; but in the night of death hope sees a star and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing." -- Robert G. Ingersoll


Say It Ain't So!
A song of loss and remembrance


Sea of flowers laid out on Emerickstrasse in Prishtinë as hysterically weeping masses make their way to view the body of the Great Leader. Unfortunately, they're going to be disappointed because there's no body. The Leader is not dead. Only sleeping with the perma-banned.


In the wake of the news of his banning, odes to the Late Great Emerick-san, Sweet Prince of Dio, continue to stream like sweet caresses of bro-love across the eMerickan media.

The Dioist-Emerickan Reuters Press Service is reporting that massive crowds have formed in all the e-world's capitols. Our own sources here at Spectacular Times have verified at least one such massive gathering...

...and no doubt these stories will be confirmed by other independent sources as well.

It's also being reported that in places where Emerick was particularly well-loved, hysterically weeping assemblages of fans are gnashing their teeth and rhythmically chanting his well-known words over and over: "Fgt. Fgt. Fgt." Meanwhile, small groups of fanbois are fanatically poring over his famous works like Why eAmerica Needs Fascism and Douchebaggery for Dummies, hoping to find some solace in the Collected Works of the Dear Leader.

In locales that suffered from the Wrath of Emerick, we're being told that equally huge crowds have formed. Dancing in the streets of Београд and Москва has gone on late into the evening. Fireworks displays are expected tonight in DKI Jakarta. We've also heard that various Admins have fled Bucureşti, where crowds of angry chan-addicted street urchins were pelting them with rotten fruit. Unconfirmed word is that they've taken refuge in a small tapas bar in Szegedin run by Spanish e😜ats, where they're drowing their sorrows in patatas bravas and a very good Marques de Riscal Rioja.



Meanwhile, on the Third Coast of North America, a vigil reminiscent of certain scenes from Close Encounter of the Third Kind -- or possibly a Jimmy Buffet concert -- is continuing to grow on Tiki Island, which is just there between Galveston and Bayou Vista, not all that far from Sugar Land. It's not exactly clear what they're waiting for, or why they've been attracted to Tiki Island. But one of the vigilantes is holding up a big ol' sign that reads: "Emerick Banne😛 Wut? Volkanic Eruption: Godz can into angry." When our reporter quizzed the apparent leader of the vigil -- an odd duck who said his name was Judifer -- about what the heck they were waiting for, he had this to say...

"Why are you troubled? Truly I say to you, all the priests who stand before that altar invoke his name. Again I say to you, his name has been written on the generations of the stars through the human generations. And they have planted trees without fruit, in his name, in a shameful manner.”

...followed by some kind of incoherent babbling that made our reporter think he was probably stoned. Or psychotic. Or both.




Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Meanwhile, violent street-fighting has erupted in many eUS states and territories between Dioists and anti-Dioists, between eMerickans and anti-eMerickans, between Adminites and counter-Adminites, and between various factions of the Weird Homeless Party, who seem to be fighting over crumbs of bread that were accidentally dropped by the other rioters.


An intrepid woodblock-journalist from Spectacular Times captured this dramatic scene from the outskirts of Des Moines. The woman's neighbors had denounced her to the Dioist Committee for the Prevention of Vice and the Promotion of Virtue, claiming that she'd been heard to say that Mary Lynn Rajskub was cooler than Zooey Deschanel. It is not known how the altercation turned out, but one source tells us that she'd been trained in Krav Marga by the SFP Bear Cavalry's Self-Defense Squad, which is led by an actual bear, so she may be all right.

The fighting has apparently even spilled over into the small towns and hamlets of North America. Evidently a near-riot broke out between fanatical Dioists protesting the banning of Emerick and fans of the band Dio, who were angry over copyright infringements, in a small town in upstate New York where the band originates. Before things got completely out of hand, a local resident... http://static.erepublik.com/uploads/avatars/Citizens/2009/03/27/425fc5b3fe7d8375125eddfcdc9447dc.jpg" width="55px" height="55px"> ...climbed up on top of his house and announced that a certain Missus Ramon was going to be extremely upset if the crowd woke up the baby and they had better take their penguin bowling controversy somewhere else or there would be some disastrous friggin' consequences.



But seriously. Banning Emerick? C'mon! Check out this article because something's rotten in the state of the new eRep forums.