Turks, JCS, and other stuff

Day 1,193, 09:56 • Published in USA USA • by Gulden Draak

Greetings my dear geeks, nerds, emos, inci friends, and the few minorities/women that play this game. Inspired by a recent forum post, I have decided to upgrade the entertainment value of my paper in an effort to help you forget your miserable existence in this game. My goal is to make you feel good and help you escape the reality of this game, you may even refer to be as your HERO(in). From now on I will be bringing you the national news with hopefully a humorous tilt. Some of it will be fiction, some fact, but it will all be fun. Like a fat dude in a swimming pool, let us flop on in.



Homosex in the CIA?

This morning the Paper Mache received photos of Seal Team 6 member, former cabinet member, and of course UIP member Justin McCravok leaving the Q5 home of CIA director Rod Damon. Justin was spotted with melted butter in his chest hair and appeared to be walking with a limp. It appears Rod is a firm believer in the phrase you gotta give some tail to get some tail and lured Justin in with a delicious lobster tail and melted butter. While Justin ate his tail Rod got his. When asked why Rod needed such a high quality house, he explained that he was dealing with serious condition known as awesome incredible defecting syndrome and that the high wellness given from the house helped him fight this condition. So when in Rods house, it is probably best to stay away from the bathrooms.

Press 1 for English and 2 for Turkish

The recent outbreak of articles in the media written in Turkish has sparked much outrage in the nation. Cries of LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT and IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN YOU CAN GET OUT have been heard throughout the land. Flag sales, eagle tatoos, and clever bumper stickers are all on the rise as Americans protest the influx of immigrants. The Paper Mache traveled to Wisconsin where the protests seem to be centered. While there, The Paper Mache met with Ralph Ericson who had just lost his job at a Q3 home construction company because a Turk agreed to work for below minimum wage. When asked his feelings on the subject, Ralph exclaime😛 “WELL I WAS A JUST SWINGIN’ MY HAMMER AND THEN THAT CRAZY TURK JUST UP DONE GONNA TAKE MY JOB. HE TOOK MY JERB!. Ralph then invited me to the hangout under the bridge to drink Old English and huff paint but I had to decline.

Jankems to direct military from Canada

As you should have heard, an amendment has been passed in our constitution that will limit the terms of the CJCS which is the position that jankems holds. Opinions from the military on the amendment have been mixed, but it is clear that the JCS hates it. In protest, jankems has stated that he will direct the military from Canada. “American Law doesn’t apply on Canadian soil”, he cleverly quipped. “If I stay in Canada, I will be able to remain CJCS forever MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. When asked how he would direct troops he replied, “It’s simple, I will use a flock of carrier pigeons to relay orders from my home in Canada to the US. It is flawless”. There has been no response from congress on the issue, but when there is you will hear it hear first.



Your new CO?

Well that is all for now. Vote, sub, and shout my wonderful friends. Until next time.....

Stay thirsty my friends,

Gulden Draak

Also Please vote for me in Nevada