TRAGEDY! Man Thinks he is Funny, He is Not

Day 270, 14:22 • Published in USA Thailand • by Guy Kilmore
HEAD LINE NEWS

The Falderal and Balderdash’s first exclusive interview is with none other that the wit, charm, and creative genius behind the Falderal, Guy Kilmore. We found Mr. Kilmore living in a trendy cardboard box on the chic streets of Salem sipping happily on a Meat Shake. After we told him that we brought our own straw and cardboard, he agreed to sit down and reveal his inner most thoughts on being an eRepublik citizen and the mastermind behind the Falderal and Balderdash.

FaB: Mr. Kilmore, thank you for granting us this once in a life time exclusive interview. How do you deal with just being you?

Guy: Please, please, call me Guy. You have no ideas how many times I get asked that and I never answer. I like to keep people wondering.

FaB: Well I suppose so, but I am sure your readers….

Guy: Readers!? I have Readers! I thought it was just my mom.

FaB: Ok, Ok, Ok. What lead you to creating the Falderal and Balderdash, what was your inspiration?

Guy: Well, when I was surfing the eRepublik site and searching for information under the Media section I noticed that there were about 1143 publications. My mind exploded. I quickly began to scan all the articles. While I found a few that were worthwhile, informatory and substantive most were short and complete crud. I mean some of the writers for these papers could barely string a sentence together.

(Guy takes a quick sip of his Meat Shake and smiles knowingly, hinting at a wisdom that we have not guessed, or simply content after passing some gas.)

I could be ONE of those, no, no, no. Not substantive, but complete and utter eCrud. I wanted to make an ePaper that wouldn’t be worth wiping my eBum with. I mean fake news for a simulated world, who would have thought of that!? A lot of people, I know, in fact, my idea is EVEN more impressive in its total mendacity.

(Guy sits up quickly from his straw pile, his eyes glowing with a feverish light.)

I can impact the world by simply clouding the discourse going on. Can you imagine the power? M’whahahahaha!

FaB: Er…..Yeah, so Guy, where do you plan to take this paper.

Guy: Nowhere! That is the simple beauty of it, you will never ever read anything of note. I can’t even guarantee that I will write a coherent sentence.

FaB: Aren’t you writing one right now?

Guy: Who’s being a clever “dick” now?

FaB: Hey, I am doing the interview and asking the questions here!

Guy: I know!

(There is a moment of silence as Guy wipes spittle from his chin demonstrating his passion and dedication to his craft.)

FaB: Guy, how do you plan to expand the circulation of your paper?

Guy: By bothering my friends of course. I mean toddlers get praise for finger painting a purple blob and calling it a cow. I will display my own incoherent blob and call it newspaper with a “toddler-esque” glee. And nothing is cuter than a toddler, right?

FaB: Well Guy, we would like to thank you for this once in a life time exclusive. It has been a privilege to simply bask in your presence.

Guy: I know, I know, not get off my corner, CENSORED.
LOCAL NEWS

Salem man starts newspaper. He threatens locals that more is to come.