Join the new world

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--HEADLINE NEWS

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WASHINGTON D.C. -- On the steps of Capital Hill eCitizen Thomas Smith (32) declared his run for Mayor of “Somewhere” in the eUnited States of America. Thomas stated that his goal to get elected mayor is to gain more “ePoints” to stroke his already massive “ePeen.”

“Listen, 80 points is worth 80 points,” Thomas explains to the nation, “I mean who wouldn’t want MORE points in this game? It is only natural that I get elected to the position of Mayor Somewhere in the United States.”

Thomas hopes his impassioned pleas are heard by citizens around the world and motivate them to elect him as their mayor. When asked why he was confining his run to the eUnited States, Thomas responded, “You are right, I extend my run to the entire world. Anyone who mails me at least a Q3 moving ticket will have me moving to their Capital with the promise that I will run as their mayor.”

To solidify his run, Thomas has formed the party “Elect Thomas Smith Your Mayor.” Its expressed platform is to get Thomas elected as mayor “somewhere” in the eWorld. Thomas’s critics were quick to point out that his goals were “vague” and came across as “extremely self-centered.”

“I won’t let nay sayers stand in my way of getting elected as your Mayor,” Thomas responded, “Look at what your previous Mayor has done, horded those valuable ePoints for themselves; ePoints that should be rightfully mine.”

Thomas further vowed that he will get where ever he is elected a hospital with his own money or money from “the government” and that he promises people will get hired for more. He further warned that your current mayor, and anyone else running for office, is probably a “multi” and feels that eCitzens of the world would not want to support cheating.

At the end of his announcement, Thomas smiles benignly and waves to the crowd. He then states his parting words, “I live in the real world which means that I deeply care about WHAT happens in the eWorld. I know that eCitzens want nothing more than to see me as Mayor of somewhere.”

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-LOCAL NEWS

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SALEM -- Jimmy44 came forward to authorities today asking for help. He stated he does not remember how he got to Salem and that he has only $15 USD in his pocket. “I know there is more to my life, friends, family, I mean parents, but I have forgotten them all.” Jimmy44 further stated that random people have sent him messages “asking” to be his “friend”. “I don’t EVEN know them, but its like, they know me. I am just thankful that I was able to get a job in housing for $3 USD a day.”