This Election Will End America

Day 470, 21:15 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

The Fieldist Volume 2, Issue 8
The News Gallup Doesn't Want You to Know!

Future Losers of Election Threaten Revolution
Election Eve, March Madness, The Big Showdown, Rumble to the Whitehouse, That Other Thing I Do To Get XP; call it what you will, but the election is upon us. Like a savage mountain lion, it threatens to kill us all in our sleep.

According to an unscientific and highly suspect poll, which we at the Fieldist will nonetheless use (we are a newspaper after all), the current standing is scrabman (USWP) and Desertfalcon (CvP) at a deadlock, with Jewitt (UIP) standing at third, and sitting President of America and Mexico Uncle Sam a dead last. No one will stand for their opponent to win, and each of the contenders to the Presidency stand supported by at least 3 parties.

But each of the supporters of the two "lead" candidates (according to the above suspect poll) promised nothing more than revolution if they lose or more importantly, if the other guy wins. Said a latte-sipping liberal USWP member, "I believe that the Conservatives will kill us all, probably banning inactivity and allowing business owners to pay us the new minimum wage, 0.01 USD. To save this Union, we'll have to destroy them and outlaw conservatism as a thoughtcrime against the state."

Conservatives were equally quick to respond to fears that the USWP might win, "Liberals are going to raise the taxes on us until they finally decide to strangle our children in their cribs," said one of the corporate elite, "If the USWP wins the presidency, our only choice will be a full-scale revolution. Our only option will be complete removal of the government, and formation of a confederation of American states. That or move to Canada. "

The Fieldist reminds Uncle Sam that if he loses this election, he is still President of American Mexico, and thus should form an American Mexican government within the new government. All AAP members should move to American Mexico and form a sub-country within the nation (New Mexico counts as American Mexico).

Supporters of UIP candidate Jewitt had their own unique plan in the event of his loss. "I guess I'll keep doing what I do now," said one drugged-out, free-thinking Uippie.

For those who don't find the Conservative Party fascist enough, or the United States Workers Party communist enough, there's always the Fascist Right party known as the American Imperialist Party, which was taken over after its former leader vacated the post to deal with something more important. It's expected to be reclaimed in the next party president elections. The CPUSA also offers the far left alternative, offering the insane ramblings of a collective up against things beyond their control. Power to them.

American Media Still Held Hostage
The US Media is shuttering up for a media blitz by Fieldist Editor-in-Chief SamWystan, who has apparently cracked and is threatening to bombard the US Media with a wave of hastily, but claimed reasonably well-written articles.

His demands:
1. 100 people or more must subscribe to the Fieldist.
2. Said people must pay me 1 USD equaling a sum of 100 USD.
3. Tajori must stop writing articles.
4. My name must be cleared of wrongdoing in the case of Evelyn Houston.
5. I could use some gold as well.
6. Maybe some Snickers.
7. And some snickerdoodles, because I don't know what those are.
8. A major presidential candidate must seek my endorsement by making me their Fun Czar.
9. All I want is a little love.
10. Cash for subscription articles must die off for a week.

So far, only a handful have been fulfilled. Thus the ball is in SamWystan's court. Will he bomb America into submission, controlling the media until he runs out of articles?
1. 45 subscriptions
2. 4.01 USD, .09 ESP, .01 CNY
3. Tajori in a lull... for now.
4. Cleared completely.
5. .1 gold
6.
7. Snickerdoodle shipment stolen.
8.
9. Emerick gave a little. Stiles Mattingly gave some conditionally. Will you?
10.

The Fieldist reminds you that this is the only source for updates on this situation. We'll have more on this story as we develop it.