Join the new world

We here at the Taishou (that is, me, Reiji Mitsurugi) have long been advocates of a free press and the rights and privileges of the Third Estate. But even the most staunch liberal must admit that any freedom must have its limits. Today, a most daring rogue went above and beyond those limits, shattering them and making a mockery of the entire journalistic process.

You see, in the dead of night, a suspiciously handsome masked revolutionary known only to the world as 'Red Dragon Rising' stole into the Taishou's offices and printed thousands upon thousands of the following article, blindsiding the Japanese media market and horrifying all of us here at the Taishou (that is, me, Reiji Mitsurugi).

What follows is that article, more of a story, really. It was written by the infamous 'RDR' in the interest of supporting the SOS Brigade's “revolution.” Certainly not the sort of scholarly opinion the Ashigaru Taishou would like to support.




Set adrift in an ocean of problems, a turbulent sea of ever-shifting thoughts and opinions. It's not an easy life, but it never fails to be exciting. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We should get to know each other before I tell my newest story. I'm China. Well, that's the name my mother gave me. A lot of people call me Taiwan. Sometimes I don't even show up on a map, it's pretty embarrassing. See, there's a much bigger China just across the way there, who usually gets all the attention. For simplicity's sake, you can just call me Rock.

Since the Big Red China gets everybody's attention, I usually slip by unnoticed. Like I said, sometimes I'm not even on a map! That lets me sort of sit back and just take things in. Set adrift in an ocean of problems, like I said. Big Red China on the other side of the strait, the 'Great Japanese Empire' up north next to a couple of Koreas that never know which way they're going. Thailand and Malaysia, and even that little Singapore, smaller than me but easily a lot louder, are stirring things up.

So what'd happened was Japan had scooped up South Korea, saying it was for their protection. I guess Korea and Japan were just that good of friends. For months, South Korea played in Japan's backyard, locked up safe and sound, so the story goes. Then things got a little complicated.



Indonesia came knocking at the door. Far and away the biggest and strongest man in Asia, Indonesia asked Japan if it could borrow Kyushu, something like Japan's porch, so it could reach America next door. There was a loud argument that I didn't really care much about, shouting back and forth, before finally Indonesia took a look around back and saw South Korea playing in Japan's sandbox.

“Well isn't that something,” Indonesia said, “You have permission from the PEACEful Neighborhood Association to keep him there?”

I'm assuming Japan didn't, because he looked pretty mad after that, took a big sack of gold from Indonesia and went inside. After that, Indonesia stood on Japan's porch and started throwing rocks at America, while Russia did the same from his house.



This is where the other side of the Koreas gets interesting. North Korea decided he didn't like all those rocks getting thrown at America, so he ran up and socked Russia a nice one in the jaw. Now I don't need to tell you that Russia has a famously steel jaw. That little punch didn't bother him one little bit. And, well, there isn't a North Korea anymore, so I guess you know how that story ends. Russia turned around and let his bear loose on North Korea, and now everybody on the peninsula north of the 38th Parallel eats stroganoff.



Now eventually, after getting beaten to within an inch of his life from about a million different angles; after everybody from Indonesia to Hungary to Colombia had a chance to kick him, America got his act together and chased everybody away. Japan sometimes looks a little worried that angry America, after getting that surgery, might come looking for revenge. He sits around the house all day muttering things about righteousness. Especially after the South Korea thing.



Oh, right, the South Korea thing. While Russia was busy breaking America's stuff, some religious guys in Switzerland got evicted by Hungary. Looking for a new home, they saw that Japan was about to let South Korea stand on his own two feet.



No sooner was Korea out Japan's door than he got decked by a guy in a ski mask, yelling in a mixture of Latin and Italian, who took his clothes and drew crescent moons on everything. Japan tried to stop him, but I guess eating all that chocolate and doing all that banking in Switzerland made Theocracy a pretty tough guy, because Japan just couldn't pull him away by himself.



So Japan went to Big Red China's newly formed Asia Clubhouse called Sol. Taking a seat and listening as China organized the thing, Japan made his statement: “The Righteous Nation of Japan would like to righteously inform its neighbors that the formerly-righteous South Korea has been stolen by the decidedly un-righteous Mr. Theocracy. Japan righteously proposes that Sol issue a righteous condemnation and righteously forbid Theocracy from participating in our righteous games.”



Unfortunately for Japan, the lovely Miss Singapore should probably be called Mrs. Theocracy, having been married to the man who came in from Switzerland. “No,” she said, rather convincingly. Some of the Sol members agreed with Japan, like South Africa, who could relate to South Korea not only because they had the same first name, but Theocracy had done some mean things to him too. Still, most of Sol said it was best for everyone to forget about the old South Korea, and let Theocracy live peacefully in Asia.



Japan didn't like that one little bit. He went back home and thought about what to do. Mumbling to himself about how un-righteous the whole situation was. Theocracy, now Japan's neighbor, wasn't helping the situation. He liked to wake Japan up in the middle of the night, standing on his roof with a megaphone yelling: “SILENT LEGES INTER ARMA” and various other things Japan couldn't understand, but found very frustrating. He covered his head with a pillow and tried to drown it out.

And that's where we stand today. Japan is mad at Sol. Theocracy is still wearing South Korea's clothes and living in his house. North Korea is eating stroganoff. America is healing up and getting madder. And me? I'm just sitting here in the turbulent sea, an ocean of problems, not even on the map. Considering what the people who are on the map have to deal with, little Rock might be happier letting Big Red China deal with everything.

Until next time!
~中華民國