The USA Needs A Hero In These Trying Times

Day 484, 22:34 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

The Fieldist Volume II, Issue 15
The News Buddy Cianci Doesn't Want You to Know!

A Patriot This Way Comes
by Luke Fnord, Acting Editor-in-Chief

He landed today at E. F. Green Airport, fresh from the National Guard headquarters in Florida. The governor of Rhode Island was there to greet him, along with over ten thousand of his screaming fans. The starry field of the American flag was draped across the entrance to luggage. He smiled and waved, this Rhode Islander, this great patriot. The crowd went wild.

He was transported to his hometown of Providence in a black limousine, flying the American field. Crowds lined the streets, cheering for him. Young girls broke down and wept with joy. Mothers and available women of a legal or above age swooned, many fainting. Young boys were heard to exclaim to their fathers, "Daddy, can I grow up to be like him?" And fathers were heard to reply, "maybe we both can, son."

Who is this man who crowds cheer for? Who is the fantasy of thousands of hetero/bisexual women and homo/bisexual men, the hero of many heterosexual men and homosexual women? This American and Rhode Island patriot?

The answer could only be one name. One man. SamWystan.

We at the Fieldist present to you, the complete transcript of SamWystan's historic speech, without any interruptions.

[Crowd is chanting "Sam! Sam! Sam!" Wystan steps up to the podium, and the crowd goes wild. He holds up his hands, and the crowd goes deadly silent, and the room feels as though it's all leaning in towards this man.]

"My fellow Rhode Islanders!" [cheers] "My fellow Americans!" [cheers] "My loyal Fieldist readers!" [more cheers] "I am proud to announce to you that I am running for Senator from Rhode Island for the March 25th through April 24th Congress." [sustained applause, standing ovation, chants of "Sam!"]

"If you want to vote for the toughest, the strongest, the smartest, the most outspoken and heroic candidate for congress in all of Rhode Island, vote for me. If you want to vote for a liar, a braggart, a fool, and an all around bad choice, I'd tell you to vote for one of my opponents, but I have none. I guess they saw my name and backed down." [laughter, Wystan waves it away]

"Ha, well, it's only the 18th, they still have six days. Although why anyone would waste this time by not extolling the virtues of this Greatest State in the Union is beyond me.

How will I improve Rhode Island during my time in Congress? Let me tell you. Rhode Island has only a Q2 hospital, yet it is a jump-off point to Ireland and the UK. I support the building of a bigger hospital in Rhode Island, as well as increasing a defense system there. Frankly, the health of a nation is measured in how resilient it is to attack, and keeping a single Q5 hospital in Florida doesn't make much strategic sense.

Furthermore, while critics of increasing spending on defense will point out that our trans-Atlantic border with Ireland and the UK is not hostile, I'd add a caveat there. Our trans-Atlantic border with Ireland and the UK is not currently hostile. We must prepare for the worse, so this country rises to the best." [cheers]

"I'm for taxes that contribute to making the USA a strong exporting nation. If we can't bring in foreign gold at a higher rate than we send out domestic gold, we can hardly expect an accumulation of wealth. Tariffs to handicap the importation of foreign goods are the kinds of taxes I'm for. Furthermore, the increase of the minimum wage so that new workers needn't slowly starve when they begin is something a pet project of mine." [standing ovation]

"I'm a bulldog when it's required. I've never spoken up in Congress, because it wasn't my place. I'm just a simple soldier, ladies and gentlemen, I believe in the chain of command. But if you put me into a congressional seat, I swear I'll never back down from a fight because I'm afraid that it wouldn't be politically helpful. I stick to my guns, until I'm convinced that I'm in the wrong, and then I tack over to the right course, you won't find a tougher fighter than me, no sir. When I'm in Congress, my commander will be the people of Rhode Island." [cheers]

"I'm for smart wars, the kind of wars we fight when we don't have any other wars open. I'm for the closing of any long-standing wars that could severely undercut our ability to fight any current wars. Naturally, we don't want to get invaded in Florida if we're somewhere else.

I'm not entirely behind ATLANTIS, but I am for a strong alliance system, and honoring the commitments we make. I'd be behind pulling us out of the ATLANTIS system if it meant placing us into an alliance with a bit more cohesion, one with a strategic command, one with teeth. That alliance would naturally have to be built with traditional enemies of the USA, but also with friends of the USA, and neutrals.

ATLANTIS could have been improved. Our co-ordination with them during Operation Taco Bell, and the subsequent operations, could have been better. If Spain had opened a second front during the war against Portugal, we could have split PEACE forces, and prevented the disastrous turnaround we met in Mexico. I fought in American Mexico and Mexico. I saw the loss first hand.

I will never forget the people we've left behind in American Mexico. Baja, the Northeast and Northwest are all part of the Homeland. I'll attempt to find ways to bring them back into the fold. I will find ways to redress the wrongs that have been done to America." [cheers]

"Finally, I have one last suggestion that will improve this nation. I will seek to make Rhode Island the de facto capital of the United States of America. D.C. is an out-dated concept, and if we want to bring America into the modern century, this is the only visible way to do so." [unrestrained applause]

I don't have every idea known to humanity, so I need your help. If you've got an idea for me, or Rhode Island, I'll gladly take it into account before acting. I'll be open to your suggestions Rhode Island. I'll listen. I care. You know how to reach me." [cheers]

"In conclusion my Rhode Islanders, my friends of Hope, the rulers of the Atlantic, the true New Englanders, the great revolutionaries, I will lead this nation as only a Rhode Islander can lead it; well. Some will seek to sideline us, saying 'what is Rhode Island, but a small state?' Well a Senator from Rhode Island is just as good as a Senator from Florida, if not better, because the Rhode Islander is actually accessible.

I'm the first and only one to run, which is good. It means you have a true-blooded Rhode Islander like myself, not some carpet-bagger sent to take an easy seat. Thank you, and I know you'll vote the patriotic way on March 25th, for SamWystan and for Rhode Island!"

[Crowd goes crazy. Fields wave everywhere. "Sam!" is chanted loudly. Wystan makes his way down from the podium onto the hall floor, to greet the crowd. He kisses many women, often on the lips. Babies are proffered to him, and he blesses them. He signs autographs. He takes pictures.

Suddenly an assassin aims a gun at Wystan's head! The crowd screams and reels away. But Wystan skillfully breaks the man's arm and the bullet hits a second assassin who was attempting to stab Wystan at the same time. Then Wystan takes out his S&W No. 3 and blows both of them away. The crowd cheers. Wystan proceeds out the doors, where he and lovely fan get onto his Triumph Bonneville and drive off down the parade route to Wystan's Providence apartment.]