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The Fieldist Volume I, Issue 5
The News Aaron Burr Doesn't Want You To Know!

The Situation in Mexico
Is going well.

A Perilous Time of War
Much more dangerous to this nation is the fact that there remain traitors still in this nation. 23, count them, 23 congressmen voted to impeach the President of America and Mexico, Uncle Sam. However, no overt move has been made by the President to eliminate such blatant anti-American congressional leaders. Thus, we can assume, since there is no evidence to the contrary, that such traitors are going to be caught and revealed some other way.

A contact inside the FBI told us how they plan to catch the traitors. "Mainly, we try to engage the senators in conversation," said the contact, who refused to give us his name, but wore black RayBan Wayfarers that had a small scratch in the upper left corner near the lens and were tinted green. "One of the methods we use, which the boys in the back room is probably the most successful, is we have one of guys dressed up in a like a baseball cap with a Hawaiian shirt and some jeans and sneakers, and they pose a citizen from the target senator's state. Then they say something to the effect of 'you know, I really like what you've done as senator, and I voted for you in the last election.' And the senators are like, 'well, thank you very much, I've got a Pan-American Empire lobbyist meeting I'm late to, and I must be going.' And then they head in the other direction really quickly."

Wily senators... but luckily the FBI is never deterred by such tactics. The contact, whose office is wallpapered with a rubber ducky print and has a brunette wife (which we all agreed could be classified as "smoking") and a red Triumph Bonneville motorcycle, continued, "Our agents stick to 'em though, cause our guy will follow them, and be like, 'hey, I really don't like Uncle Sam, and I'd vote to impeach him if I ever got the chance,' and here's the really tricky part, cause then the agent goes, 'you ever get a chance like that?'"

But does it work? "Well, I mean, no senator ever says it straight out like that," said the agent, lighting a corncob pipe in direct violation of the No Smoking sign on his desk, "but often they give us this funny look, and that tells us all we need to know."

The Fieldist recommends that you assist the FBI by asking any former senator how they voted on the impeachment trial, and contacting Agent Norman Carusso at the FBI.

The Fieldist Responds
We at the Fieldist have noticed that the Picayune, known to many as "a pack of no-goodnik, rabble-rousing, anti-American, thumb-sucking, pro-Godzilla swine" have been predicting an anti-American surge into Mexico. We find such "analysis" completely ridiculous, and a dangerously irresponsible use of the freedom of press. Our loyal readers should take the time to subscribe to the Picayune and notify Fieldist staff of any other foolish ideas from this self-proclaimed mouthpiece of the People.

Furthermore, the Picayune was name-dropped by UIP candidate Jewitt to be his Fun Czar, a position which we covet. It would add insult to injury if the pro-Japanese Monster Picayune was selected over the pro-American Empire Fieldist to be part of the Department of Fun. Write to the presidential candidate of your choice and recommend the Fieldist for the Department of Fun (USWP candidate scrabman made no mention of the DoF in his recent announcement).