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The Fieldist Volume II, Issue 2
The News Rupert Murdoch Doesn't Want You to Know!

Editor-In-Chief Slandered By Disreputable Newspaper
I'm SamWystan, the Editor-In-Chief of the Fieldist; and I was accused of nothing less than murder today, by one Jythier Smith; a swamp Yankee SOB from backwoods Nowhere, Rhode Island; accused me, a native son from Providence, of murdering Evelyn Houston, a "researcher" from eBrown University.

I am a lieutenant in the US National Guard, as well as a professor of word-smithery at PCRI. I was in Northwest Mexico at the time of the murder, assisting our brave soldiers in the conquest of the Polish-controlled nation. However, after Mr. Smith accused me of committing that most reprehensible of acts, MPs were sent to my platoon, and attempted to arrest me.

I can't tell you how I escaped, but let's just say there are a few MPs still searching for their eyes in the desert down in Mexico. I'm writing now from somewhere on Westminster St., in Providence, trying to get to the bottom of this. I've been living off of trash for a few days, but it's been worth it.

Mr. Smith is anti-American, read his paper if you like, it's clear. He never denies that he's anti-American, only calls it ludicrous. It's ludicrous because it's true. Furthermore, I don't need to get loving from woman at eBrown. I'm a freaking super-star in the National Press, and plus the woman at PCRI are way crazier. And much more attractive in a revolutionary manner than the eBrown women.

So here's what happene😛 Smith was in a romantic tryst with Houston, but he was also with her coworker Anita Bath. Bath found out about Houston, and she wanted Smith to end things. Smith attempted to, and Houston entered a spiral of decline, living on Q1 food. Towards the end of the week, Smith, feeling the pangs of guilt, went to visit Houston at her home. Attempting to apologize, Smith and Houston engaged in a heated argument, and Smith shot Houston. Bath arrived on the scene, and in true Lady MacBeth fashion, planted the false evidence that lead to my becoming a suspect in this sordid story. Then she suggested that Smith set up a fund to pick up profits from the death of Houston. And Smith, the twisted murderer that he is, complied.

I found the gun that killed Houston in a dumpster outside the Picayune building on Weybosset. I don't know how, but I'm determined to prove my innocence.

Maybe it's just the all-trash diet talking, but I know that America is on my side.