The PANAM Treaty Will Kill Us All

Day 1,133, 22:10 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 22
"Meh, close enough." ~SamWystan, Editor-in-Chief


Man Settles For Less
Senator Inwegen has announced for the presidency, declaring that he has the guts to lead the country into a vital phase of international diplomacy and the strengthening of the country internally. Mr. Inwegen is likely to face Premier Haliman, the supreme dictator of America. But the real story is his convincing former presidential candidate CRoy to come aboard as his running mate.


(Mr. CRoy has retired to his "alone place.")

A spokesperson at Mr. CRoy's office refused to speak to The Fieldist over the phone, but met in a shady barroom in a bad section of town on the condition of anonymity. She wore a grey fedora, which killed when matched with her red dress. "He just feels he needs to strengthen his resume," she said, giving a huge sigh which heaved her bosom up and down like a bumpy road. "Can't a guy not run for president?"

There was a resounding "no" throughout the room.


The Return of the Pan-American Empire
Secretary of State St. Krems announced the formation of PANAM today, signaling the completion of days of work on the part of the State Department. "The government of the United States that it will no longer have to suffer the heathen yoke of EDEN," said statement released by the State Department. The new alliance will include Brazil, Japan, and the USA. Argentina has been announced, but there at this time reports are conflicted as to whether they'll join. There are implications that France has been invited to join as well, which has some wondering whether the State Department can locate the Americas on the map, or if they have an expansive definition of those continents.


(PANAM dignitaries sign an agreement to sign the PANAM Charter)

Americans on the street were split. "I, for one, welcome the new alliance," said a supporter, who refused to give his name in case we were "the Man". He also confided that he liked the pick of Argentina and Brazil because "their chicks are mad hot." Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Duke of Cornwall jankems has publicly come out against the alliance, stating that the decision will alienate current allies. A few spineless senators have backed off supporting it since.

Breaking: Mr. Krems has declared the problem between Duke jankems and the administration solved, but likely they've only buried the hatchet temporarily. Or so says our groundless speculation division (aka, SamWystan).


The Curse of Poverty
I was walking along the street the other day, when I heard a voice from below. "Got any food, bub?" it asked. I looked down at the voice, and then I looked down a bit more. It was Athanaric, Senator, United Independent Party president and a friend of mine. He recognized me, and we just paused and stared at each other. Then I stuck to my long-standing policy towards beggars and dumped coffee on him. I took off.

When I got home, I finally had a moment to reflect on what had happened. It occurred to me that something must be done to help the poor. And I know what you're thinking, "we already have Meals on Wheels!" But what about our power poor? No one helps the famous out when they're down on their luck. They just let them suffer. So I propose "Death with Dignity" to help out people like Athanaric. And by dignity, I mean beaten to death with a lead pipe in a back alley, stinking of his own urine and booze.

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