The Old Man and the C

Day 701, 03:01 • Published in Japan Japan • by Laurana Psion

Election time is here again and a surprising contender this month is the Tequila Fitness Club! Having severely shrunken in recent months, its sudden revival to the top five largest parties means that the TFC is once again a direct contender for seats in the Diet of eJapan. As such, I feel duty bound to put out the obligatory “vote for my party” article.

Our illustrious leader no1kevlin has already shown himself to be quite adept at getting things done, such as spearheading an effective recruitment campaign and distributing information about the TFC, from our manifesto to reports on our recent extraordinary growth that was due to the incredibly sexy appeal of our ideals and not at all influenced the slightest by the temptation of free gifts such as food, weapons, gifts, houses, hospitals, defense systems, women, men, friends, enemies, slaves, *Censored* and access to the admin account. It was clearly not due to any such material factors… clearly.

As a result, I’m sure that you are already well versed in TFC policies and utterly convinced of their perfection. I could add nothing more to them. As such, I will only be providing to you today, an exclusive interview conducted by the Zetsubo Shimbun (ZS) with an anonymous insider of the TFC.
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The Old Man and the [TF]C


Although he did not wish to be named, the insider allowed us to take his photo

ZS: So, how long have you been with the TFC?
Insider: What?

ZS: How Long Have You Been A Member Of The TFC?
Insider: EHHHH? Wassat? Speak up young one!

ZS: HOW @$%^%$# LONG HAVE YOU $%^&** BEEN A @$%$%^& MEMBER OF THE $%^&*&* TFC $^&*%&?!?!?!?
Insider: Hey! You don’t need ta shout at me y’know! I ain't deaf! Stupid %&^* kids today… no respect… *unintelligible grumbling*

ZS: *sigh* So how long-
Insider: About a year now I guess. I’ll bet you young’uns don’t know this, but the TFC has been in eJapan for a long long long long long long… long… err… where was I?

ZS: So you’ve basically been a member since the beginning?
Insider: Yep.

ZS: And why did you join the TFC in the first place?
Insider: Well you see, back in the October of 2009, I had a checkup with my doctor… ugh… Dr…. Pepper? Ah well anyway, Dr. Pepper told me I needed to lose some weight and-

ZS: I’m sorry to interrupt, but basically, you joined the TFC because you thought it was a gym?
Insider: Of course!!! It’s a fitness club isn’t it? It’s in the title!!! But dang was I disappointed. There weren’t no weights, or running machines or hot instructors or weights or errr weights… OR NOTHING!



A TFC Conference Room [Disclaimer: This is not a gym]

ZS: But-
Insider: NOTHING! Since joining I didn’t lose a single ounce! In fact, I gained weight from those dang little cakes and pastries they serve in the lounge. Those dang smart-alecky types always doing silly stuff like helping balance our budget or stabilize our monetary market or something. Lazy bums if you ask me! Always sitting around writing things and talking about foreign affairs and ladidah “MPP”s and stupid stuff y’know. They should go out there and do some honest work like growing more rice for our glorious eJapanese grain markets! You won’t see better grain anywhere else!

ZS: Erm, you know that there’s currently overproduction and the TFC-
Insider: Hah! You're just like them. You penpusher. Furthermore… furthermore…… ugh…. Furthermo-

ZS: *ahem* So, why did you stay this long with the TFC then?
Insider: Well you know, membership is free and all, and they really do have nice cakes and pastries you know.



Tasty cake... available in the Tequila Fitness Lounge from 8am to 11pm

ZS: …
Insider: Hmmm cake… *drools*

ZS: Yes… so anyway, what can you say about the recent revival of the TFC?
Insider: Huh? What? Oh… I hate them! A few months back, people were leaving you know, the place was getting quiet and I thought I can finally use this place as a gym! I even ordered a treadmill! I could finally lose some weight. BUT THEN! Suddenly, that wretch no1kevlin was elected party president. He started getting about and doing stuff. Got people in! The whole place was packed again! People started… ugh… talking again. Everywhere, people just talking namby pamby politics and stuff. They even threw out my treadmill to make space! Now I can’t exercise again! And with so many people, I can’t even have an afternoon nap in peace!
*Storms out while grumbling*

ZS: Well there you have it. The TFC is active once again, and now would be an ideal time to join the party. Since this is effectively a new beginning, you will be able to contribute to and experience eJapanese politics like in no other current party. However, because the TFC has amongst its members several senior and experienced politicians, you can be assured that the party will not be led astray. The TFC always has, and indeed, still values individuality and you can be assured of being able to freely discuss your ideas amongst open minds.


Get fit today!
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Compiled by,
Laurana "Psi"
21/10/2009
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