The Next Big Thing

Day 1,139, 14:23 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 2
"Most newspapers speak truth, The Fieldist speaks what everyone can understand." ~Ace451, Great American Congressman & Winner


Man Weeps For Dead People
Henry Arundel, also known as Pfeiffer, took to the streets to formally weep for dead American greats. His eyes filled with tears, he accosted people on the street as they walked past, screaming at them wildly. "You did this!" he shouted at a woman pushing a stroller. "You killed them!" he told her as he violently shook her, then he knocked over the stroller and ran off, leaving the poor woman in a state of shock as onlookers rushed to assist her in the wake of the madman's assault.


(Mr. Arundel, seen here profusely weeping during his publicity photoshoot)

Mr. Arundel was chased by police for some miles, but the emotionally destitute man managed to lose his pursuers. Mourning the dead Americans, he made his way to the national cemetery, where he spent the night digging up graves until he was found the next morning spooning with former President Emerick's buried corpse. Presidential candidate Inwegen was called to collect him, and he managed to lead the distraught Mr. Arundel back to his car.


Mulberry St Industries: Friend Or Foe?
Positioning itself as an American company, Mulberry St Industries, run by Lefty from Mulberry St, has released a corporate newsletter, claiming that it facilitates "US dominance on a global scale, militarily, politically, and economically." Mr. Mulberry St claims that MStI produces massive amounts of goods, and uses state-of-the-art technologies to communicate with laborers and cut overhead costs, so that the goods are cheap and the wages are high.


(MStI has a... confusing... business plan, to say the least)

"State-of-the-art whips, more like it," said an anonymous manager at MStI to The Fieldist. "We get bonuses based on how many beatings we go over quota for the week. For instance, I hand out twenty beatings weekly, which is ten over quota. It doesn't really matter who I beat. It all works the same. You ever heard of Skinnerism, infrequent rewards for behavior leads to an increase of that behavior? It's like that, except we replaced rewards with beatings." The Fieldist was contacted by a group calling itself the Mulberry Spartacists, but they were caught and crucified on MStI-manufactured crucifixes. When contacted for interviews, all they could do was scream in agony.


CelticTiger211 Pretty Much Already President of Ireland
Presidential candidate CelticTiger211 is in a strong position to win the Irish presidency, succeeding fellow Fenian Brotherhood member, and friend of The Fieldist John Gormley. Mr. Tiger211 is backed by his own right-wing Fenian Brotherhood (previously the Popular Liberation Front), as well as far-left Sons of Eireann, traditionally the enemies of the Fenians. Mr. Tiger211 has already had a cot set up in the Áras an Uachtaráin (presidential residence of Ireland) for weeks now, and rumor has it that Mr. Gormley and he have tea together.


(Mr. Tiger211 has a devoted following, although a bit wonkily religious)

Despite united support from Ireland's two largest parties, Mr. Tiger211 is facing token opposition in the form of Irish Unionist Party President e-kane, who notably hates America. The Fieldist says this because Mr. kane never replied to our interview segment while party presidents John Snuggles (SoE) and Dan Murchadh (F😎 both did, along with President Gormley. The Fieldist officially backs Mr. Tiger211 for President of Ireland, and says that all true Irishmen should as well.


The Next Big Thing
With Josh Frost and Emerick signaling their intent to leave, many have taken to the street to cry the end of days is upon us. It's as if those two titans of America have taken the last of our dreams with them. I suspect that the election of Haliman will also send high-ranking Dioists packing the Pakistan (like what I did there?). I'm not arguing for Haliman or Inwegen based on that point, just pointing it out.

Both Emerick and Frost pointed to cyclical natures of the US's place in the world, and the world in general. But it seemed like they were blaming the people in power for this cyclical stagnation. In many ways, it seems like the old loyalties are the problem, and bringing new players up who don't have the same views might be worth it, for fresh takes. Of course, this is going to be pounced upon as anti-establishment, and someone's gonna say I'm attacking the "elites" (get over yourselves, you ain't that elite).

No, I'm attacking those without ideas. I see America, and I see fresh possibilities. My Christmas Movement did pretty well, winning about 60% of the races it competed in (that statistic lies a bit). We could have won more if I didn't run in Rhode Island. When you vote for President, or Congressman, or Party President, vote for someone with a vision. Vote for someone who has an idea about where they want to take America. Tell those that say "oh, well, we'll see how circumstances change," isn't good enough. Give us a goal, and we'll adapt to circumstances to get there.

So vote for the candidate who's articulated their vision, who might actually have the Next Big Thing, instead of crossing their fingers that it'll come along (hint to candidates).

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