The Government Is Under Siege!

Day 1,146, 10:15 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 11
"I welcome our new Fieldist Overlords" ~Jelly9473, Great Libertarian American


Athanaric Is Really Phoning It In
Two-term Party President of the United Independents Athanaric is really phoning in his run for a third term. The self-anointed "Winter King" has released two articles detailing his campaign for the UIP Presidency. The first made a nod towards changing the party realities, but it completely failed to commit to any changes. The second is by far the more interesting, though it mainly consists of "Vote for Me" as a campaign slogan.


(Mr. Athanaric, seen here talking to campaign staff, oh wait, that's a garden gnome)

Released also in that issue, is what Mr. Athanaric claims to be a candid conversation between himself and party banana, Pheno Sozak. Contradicting his two terms of experience Mr. Athanaric says, "do I look like a guy with a plan?" and "I wouldn't know what to do with [the party presidency] if I caught it." Supporters played this off as part of Mr. Athanaric's "fun-loving and irreverent manner" but party faithful were faithfully disappointed.


Congress Will Cut Funding To Government
In a move which sent economists into a mad dash for cover, Jasper Signa (F-KY) has introduced a draft of legislation calling for Congress to cut funding to the government should Congress fail to pass a new budget after two months! "Two months!" said a dismayed bureaucrat, who refused to give her name for fear that Congress would cut her funding, "that's how long it take Congress to discuss a budget!" Mr. Signa's bill has proved highly contentious.


(Everyone knows that "expediency" is Congress' middle name)

"It's a damned disgrace!" said a tough-talking, no-nonsense sort of Congressman, who didn't allow for the chance to ask his name. "In my day, Congress would just shill out money where they thought it was needed, data on government spending was just [expletive] on the cake." Supporters of the bill pointed to its rock-solid writing. "This is the finest bill I've ever seen," said an anonymous member of Congress, speaking to Congress, "it's written in only the finest legalese, the kind only money can buy. In fact, I'd like to attach an amendment to pay for a legalese bureau."


Pluck Brit Forms Plucky Party
Former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom GGRyan has announced the formation of the UK First Party, a party which he says will put an end to partisan bickering between left and right. Mr. Ryan has previously bragged that he can put together a Top 5 party in two months. After two days, he has already taken the #2 spot and is merely 42 members away from overtaking the Radical Freethinkers Alliance, Britain's fifth party.


(Brits, do they ever tire of waving their flag?)

Brits were understandably mixed in their reaction. Said an anonymous member of the UK Reform Party from his country estate, "I really don't think they'll amount to much. What's their policy on monocles?" The Unity Party released the following statement as well, "UK First is an abomination. The government is making sure that every Briton receives their fair share of gruel. Now would not be a time to think about political upheaval, because that would upset gruel distribution."


Why EDEN Is Great
Everyone knows that America "left" EDEN. It was perhaps our greatest foreign policy coup, coming, as it did, on the heels of us "entering" EDEN. Now, of course, EDEN is attempting to grapple with a world where Poland is becoming increasingly independent, and EDEN honchos have begun telling America very sternly that continuing PANAM would be a fools' errand.

And this is why EDEN is so great. Because EDEN, even in the face of contradictory evidence, is certain that PANAM (or whatever it turns out to be) will be just an alliance that's friendly to EDEN. Sure, PANAM contains Brazil, and tentatively Argentina, and there's been some discussion about France signing on, and Canada actually rejected it, and did Haliman hint to Russia being signing on, maybe?

Now, I know a lot of critics, like Emerick, are saying that EDEN is just trying to cling on to the old world, and will continue to bore us, but I say, isn't it fun to be bored? No. Oh yeah, that's why they call it boring. But I agree with EDEN. PANAM is just going to be friendly with them; which so many EDEN people can see. After all, they've just spent days criticizing PANAM for essentially being a lockdown of America's borders, which everyone knows is really just good-natured ribbing.

So support EDEN, because isn't living in the past what America's all about?

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