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"Brush up your Shakespeare
Start quoting him now
Brush up your Shakespeare
And the women you will wow
If she says your behavior is heinous,
Kick her right in the Coriolanus."



Historical note: Sparta, Tennessee was the hometown of bluegrass legend Lester Flatt.


Literary note: The events depicted in the following drama are 100% true -- in a literary sense.






In the 6th century BC, a single Roman, Horatius, held at bay the Etruscan army of Lars Porsena.

In March 1985, a single Luton fan held at bay the attacking Millwall fans.



In the Fall of 2013, a hearty band of e-Volunteers took on the mighty National Radical Polski Republik...




This is the story of...






The Deontological Republik



ACT ONE


Day 2123, 3 in the Afternoon, Byaroaz, Occupied Brest, National Radical Polski Republic

A Street, where hungry people are rioting against the ruling authorities, who have given all of the corn to the Army.




First Citizen: Kai Marksus is chief enemy to the people! Let us kill him, and we'll have corn at our own price. The leanness that afflicts us, the object of our misery, is as an inventory to particularise the abundance of the Party leaders. Our sufferance is a gain to them. Let us revenge this with our pikes! God knows I speak this in hunger for bread, not in thirst for revenge.

Second Citizen: Would you proceed especially against Kai Marksus?

The Mob: Against him first: he's a yapping dog to the serene commonality.


Enter the Great Leader of the Polskis, BOLLYBOG PISSICKI


Second Citizen: Hail Bollybog Pissicki, one who has always loved the right people.

Bollybog Pissicki: What work's, my countrymen, in hand? Where go you With bats and clubs? I pray you, most charitable care have the Party of you. For your wants, your suffering in this dearth, you may as well strike at Heaven with your staves as lift them against the Polski state, whose course will on the way it takes, cracking ten thousand kerb-skulls of stronger thickness asunder than can ever appear in your impediment.

First Citizen: Our empty bellies speak loudly, sir.

Bollybog Pissicki: The Senators of the National Radical Assembly are your good belly, and you the mutinous little members of the public body. Examine their counsels and their cares; digest things rightly. Touching the weal o' the common, you shall find no public benefit which you receive but it proceeds or comes from them to you and no way from your own efforts. What do you think, you, the great toe of this crowd-assembly?

First Citizen: I the great toe! why the great toe?

Bollybog Pissicki: Being one o' the lowest, basest, poorest, of this most wise rebellion, thou go'st foremost. Thou rascal, that art worst in blood to run, lead'st the rabble first to win some vantage. But make you ready your stiff bats and clubs. I see that Byaroaz and her rats are at the boiling point of battle and their bile rises.

Enter KAI MARKSUS

Hail, noble Marksus!

Kai Marksus: Thanks. What's the matter, you dissentious rogues? Rubbing the poor itch of your opinion, have you made yourselves scabs?

First Citizen: I see we have ever your good word.

Kai Marksus: What would you have, you curs, that like nor peace nor war? The one affrights you, the other makes you proud. With every minute you do change a mind, and call him noble that was now your hate, him vile that was your garland. What's the matter, that in these several places of fair Byaroaz you cry against the National Radical Senate of the Great Polski Republik, who, under God, keeps you in awe, which else would feed on one another? What's their seeking, Brother Bollybog?

Bollybog Pissicki: For corn at their own rates; whereof, they say, the city is well stored.

Kai Marksus: Hang 'em! Go, get you home, you fragments! Leave the Army to its business.


Enter a Messenger, hastily


Messenger: Where's Kai Marksus?

Kai Marksus: Here: what's the buzz?

Messenger: The news is, sir, the Emerikans are in arms.

Kai Marksus: I am glad on 't. Then we shall ha' means to vent our musky superfluity. See, yonder come our best elders.


Enter GENERAL CORNELIU, COMMANDER TITAS KOK, various NRPR Senators, plus the secret policemen JUDY BRUTAL and SICKO BELLOW

First Polski Senator: Marksus, 'tis true: the Emerikans, especially those called Volunteers, are in arms.

Kai Marksus: They have a leader, Toulouse Spirit-Warrior, that will put you to 't. I sin in envying his nobility, and were I any thing but what I am, I would wish me only he.

Corneliu: You have fought together.

Kai Marksus: Upon my party card, I'd revolt to make only my wars with him. He is a lion that I am proud to hunt.

Corneliu: Noble Marksus! Lead you on to the Capitol where, I know, our greatest friends attend us.

First Citizen: [To the Citizen-rabble] Hence to your homes; be gone!

Kai Marksus: Nay, let them follow us. The Emerikans have much corn. Take these rats thither to gnaw their garners. Worshipful mutiners, your valor puts well forth: pray, follow me!


Citizens steal away. Exeunt all but SICKO BELLOW and JUDY BRUTAL



Judy Brutal: That Marksus has no equal. Mark'd you his lip and eyes?

Sicko Bellow: Nay. but his taunts be-mock the modest moon.

Judy Brutal: The present wars devour him. He is grown too proud to be so valiant. Half all Corneliu's honors are to Marksus. Though Marksus earned them not, and all his faults to Marksus shall be honors, though indeed in aught he merit not.

Sicko Bellow: Let's hence, and hear how the dispatch is made, and in what proud fashion he goes upon this present action.

Judy Brutal: [Finger to nose] Let's along keeping a strong scent.










Day 2133, Just before Sunrise, Downtown Sparta, Occupied Tennessee, National Radical Polski Republic

Inside an Underground Tomb just off of West Wall Street, location of the Secret Rebel Supreme Court




Enter TOULOUSE SPIRIT-WARRIOR and certain Emerikan Judges

First Rebel Judge: So, your opinion is, Spirit-Warrior, that they of Polski are entered in our counsels and know how we proceed?

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: Is it not yours?

First Rebel Judge: Our well-paid army's in the field. Don't worry. We never yet made doubt but Polski was ready to answer us.

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: 'S clear we shall be shorten'd in our aim, which was to take in many towns ere almost the Polski Fash should know we were afoot.

Second Rebel Judge: O noble Toulouse, take your cut and hie you to your punkish bands or whatever. Let us Old Ones alone to guard Free Sparta. If they set down before 's for the remove, then bring your indie militia in. But, I think, you'll find they've not prepared for us.

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: Yes, I'll relieve your honors. If we and Kai Marksus chance to meet, 'tis sworn between us we shall ever strike till one can do it no more.

All: May God assist you!

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: And keep your honors safe.

Exuent








Day 2133, Just after Sunrise, Outside of Sparta, Occupied Tennessee, National Radical Polski Republic

On Highway 70, near the Corolla Road, behind the Polski invasion force


Enter, with drum and colours, KAI MARKSUS, TITAS KOK, with various Captains and Soldiers. To them a Messenger

Kai Marksus: Say, has our general met the enemy?

Messenger: They lie in view; but hain't spake as yet.

Kai Marksus: How far off?

Messenger: Within this mile and half.

Kai Marksus: Then shall we hear their 'larum, and they ours. Now, Mars, I prithee, make us quick in work, that we with smoking hot swords may march from hence, to help our fielded friends! Come, blow thy blast. They sound a parley.

Enter two Rebel Judges

Tell! Toulouse Spirit-Warrior, is he within the town?

First Rebel Judge: No, nor a man that fears you less than he. That's lesser than a little.

Drums afar off

Hark! our drums are bringing forth our youth. A fight is on. They'll break their own balls, rather than filthy Poles shall pound them up. But the town gates, gentlemen, which yet seem shut, we, have but pinn'd with rushes. They'll open of themselves.

Crazy hoarse war cries and screams from afar off

Hark you Polski, from far off! There is come the Spirit-Warrior. List, what work he makes amongst your wing'd army.

Kai Marksus: O, they are at it. Advance, brave Titas, they do disdain us much beyond our thoughts, which makes me sweat with wrath. Come on, my fellows: any that retires I'll take him for a Volunteer, and such shall feel mine edge.

Alarms. Cries. Fighting. The Polskis are beat back to their trenches. Re-enter MARKSUS cursing.

Kai Marksus: All the contagion of the vile Southland light on you, you shames of Byaroaz! You herd of -- boils and plagues plaster you o'er, that you may be abhorr'd further than seen and one infect another against the wind a mile! You souls of geese, that bear the shapes of men, how have you run from slaves that apes would beat! Pluto and hell! All butthurt behind; backs red, and faces pale with flight and agued fear! Mend and charge home, or, by the fires of heaven, I'll leave the foe and make my wars on you! Look to't! Come on! If you'll stand fast, we'll beat them to their wives, as they us to our trenches followed.

More alarms. The Polksis regroup. The Spartan militias pull back into town and MARKSUS follows them to the gates

So, now the gates are ope! Now prove good seconds: 'tis for the followers fortune widens them, not for the fliers. Mark me, and do the like.

MARKSUS enters alone through the gates of Sparta, but the fearful Polski soldiers retreat.

Titas Kok: What is become of Marksus?

All: Slain, sir, doubtless.




Re-enter MARKSUS, bleeding, assaulted by the enemy

First Soldier: Look, sir.

Titas Kok: O, for fruck's sake, 'tis brave Marksus! Quick! Let's fetch him off, or I'll make remain alike.


The Polski troops do lines of meth and then fight like madmen. All enter the city thorugh the broken gates





Day 2133, High Noon, Near Downtown Sparta, Occupied Tennessee, National Radical Polski Republic

At the intersection of Geer St and Gracey St. near where Gracey turns into Gracey Heights




First Polski: This I will carry back to Byaroaz.

Second Polski: And I this.

Third Polski: Lookee here, methinks this one has a gilded frame.


Cries of alarm throughout the city as meth-crazed Polski soldier round up citizen-freedom fighters who supported the rebel army and continue to search for bands of rebel soldiers.




Kai Marksus: See here these 'dicts that do prize their hours at a dram of crack! Cushions, leaden spoons, irons of a doit, doublets that hangmen would bury with those that wore them, these base slaves, ere yet the fight be done, pack up: down with them! And hark, what noise the general makes! To him! There is still afoot in this town the man of my soul's hate: Spirit-Warrior, piercing our Polskis! Then, valiant Titas, take convenient numbers to make fast the town, whilst I, with those that still have a warrior spirit, will haste to help General Corneliu.

Titas Kok: Worthy sir, thou bleed'st. Thy exercise hath been too violent for a second course of fight.

Kai Marksus: Sir, praise me not. My work hath yet not warm'd me. Fare you well: the blood I drop is rather physical than dangerous to me. To Toulouse Sprit-Warrior thus I will appear, and fight!




Battle alarms. Enter, from opposite sides, charging down the Crossville Highway, between Church and Main, come the two great warriors: KAI MARKSUS and TOULOUSE SPIRIT-WARRIOR.


Kai Marksus: I'll fight with none but thee; for I do hate thee worse than a promise-breaker.



Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: We hate alike. No Fundie owns a serpent I abhor more than thy fame and envy. Fix thy foot, sir.

Kai Marksus: Let the first budger die the other's buttboy, and God doom him after!

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: If I flee, Marksus, hunt me down like a hare.

Kai Marksus: Within these morning hours, Toulouse, alone I fought inside your Spartan walls, and made what work I pleased. 'Tis not my blood wherein thou seest me mask'd. For thy revenge, wrench up thy power to the highest.

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: Wert thou the Greatest Hussar that was the cream of your bragg'd progeny, still thou shouldst not scupper me here.

They fight ferociously. Emerikan Volunteers come to the aid of Toulouse Spirit-Warrior. Kai Marksus keeps fighting until, breathless, he is driven away by the rebel fighters, who go on to retake the smoldering, pillaged town in a Pyrrhic victory.

Officious, and not valiant, you have shamed me with your bedraggled seconds.

Exuent MARKSUS.








Day 2133, Evening, at the Polski Camp near Riverwatch, Occupied Tennessee, National Radical Polski Republic

At a plundered farmhouse on the Tom Frasier Road

Corneliu: Brothers, the NRPR Senators shall mingle tears with smiles, and our Great Leader Bollybog Pissicki shall attend and shrug, i' the end admire, where ladies shall be frighted, and, gladly quaked, hear more while the dull party hacks, that, together with the smelly plebeians, hate thine honours, shall say against their hearts 'We thank God Our National Radical Polski Republik hath such a soldier.'

Titas Kok: Aye General, he is the mighty steed, we the ornamental caparison.

Kai Marksus: Pray now, no more. My mother, who has a charter to extol her blood, when she does praise me grieves me. I have done as you have done, that's what I can. Induced as you have been, that's for my country. And he that has but effected his good will for his people hath overta'en mine act.

Corneliu: Too modest are you. More cruel to your good report than grateful to us that give you truly. Be it known, as to us, to all the world, that Kai Marksus wears this war's garland. In token of the which, my noble steed, known to the camp, I give him, with all his trim belonging, and from this time, for what he did before the Spartans, call him, with all the applause and clamorring of the host, KAI MARKSUS SPARTACANUS! Bear the addition nobly ever!

Flourishes. Trumpets and drums.

All: Hail Kai Marksus Spartacanus!!





Day 2133, Near Midnight, Sparta, Occupied Tennessee, National Radical Polski Republic

At the camp of the Volunteers, in the Cedar Bend part of the Old Sparta Cemetery

A flourish. Cornets. Enter TOULOUSE SPIRIT-WARRIOR, bloody, with two or three Soldiers

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: The town is ta'en!

First Volunteer Soldier: 'Twill be restor'd back upon good treaty conditions.

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: Conditions! I would I were a Polski for I cannot, being a Volunteer and a free man, be that I am. Conditions! What good condition can a treaty find in the part that is at mercy? Five times, Marksus, I have fought with thee. So often hast thou beat me, and wouldst do so, I think, should we encounter as often as we eat. By the sands, if e'er again I meet him beard to beard, he's all mine, or I am his. Mine emulation hath not that honour in't it had; for where I thought to crush him in an equal force, true sword to sword, I'll botch at him some way or wrath or craft may get him.

Eerie music.

First Volunteer Soldier: He's the devil.

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: Not so subtle. My valour's poison'd with only suffering stain by him. For him shall fly out of itself nor sleep nor sanctuary. Being naked, sick, nor fane nor Capitol, the prayers of priests nor times of sacrifice, embarquements all of fury, shall lift up their rotten privilege and custom 'gainst my hate to Marksus. Where I find him, were it at home, upon my brother's guard, even there, 'gainst the hospitable canon, would I wash my fierce hand in his heart. Go you to the highway. Learn how 'tis fortified and what they are that must be hostages now for Polski's conditions.

First Volunteer Soldier: Will you not go?

Toulouse Spirit-Warrior: I am attended at the cypress grove: I pray you -- 'tis south the city mills -- bring me word thither how the world goes, that to the pace of it I may spur on my journey.

First Volunteer Soldier: I shall sir.


























Next time: ACT TWO!




This dramatic and legendary epic is presented by me, Phoenix Quinn, a happy freedom writer and humble fellow traveller of the WTP Writers Guild. Check out WHPR for my on-going series of "English Letters"!