The Battle for Virginia - Explained

Day 1,306, 09:40 • Published in USA USA • by Chutley



THE BATTLE FOR VIRGINIA - EXPLAINED

Last night I began wondering: "Why has the war with Spain revolved so strongly around Virginia?" Yes, there are plenty of Vagina jokes that can be inserted here, but I did not feel that penetration jokes alone were sufficient. I began to look into the history of Virginia to understand its origins.

After many hours seconds of research, I discovered what I believe to be the cause. To find the answer I had to conjure the age-old Shakesperean question of: “What’s in a name?” In this case, everything.



You see, the name Virginia is derived from the Latin word, “virgo,” meaning, quite predictably: “virgin.”






It’s so obvious! Simply put, Spain and its short, no doubt hairy chote, is trying to deflower us and, so far, they are succeeding. This also explains all the bleeding from Virginia. And yes, it hurts .

The cold, hard truth is that Spain has thrust themselves deep inside of us and wrested our beautiful cherry trees in excruciating fashion.









Fellow eAmericans, this war is nothing short of rape. Even eRepublik agrees:

“Our resistance forces fought bravely against Spain trying to liberate Virginia.”

You damn right we resisted. We pulled out all our tricks. We blew our rape whistles, we shouted “Fire,” we even tried to use some of those self-defense techniques we were taught as youngsters. But none of it was enough. In the end, those penises in Spain conquered our most previous gift against our will. Clearly we were roofied. Think about it, how many of you gone to sleep in America, only to wake up in Spain?








So I say, let’s dust ourselves off; take a long, depressing shower; get all our friends together in one place; and go kick the crap out of those messy, rapacious Spaniards. If we fight hard and fight as one we can reclaim Virginia. We can plant some new cherries, defend them, and wait for that special someone to so delicately and lovingly pop them once and for all.








Prudishly yours,
Chutley