The Ameriad: Harlot's Saga

Day 615, 09:15 • Published in USA USA • by Blake Chrysostom
Sing, O Muse, the anger of Eugene called Harlot, that brought countless ills upon PEACE. Many a brave soul did it send hurrying down to Hades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures, for so were the counsels of Admin fulfilled from the day on which Harlot and PEACE first did meet in warlike array.

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For after the first forays and skirmishes of the long and terrible conflict of arms betwixt PEACE, strong America, and brave Canada, the souls of the Americans were greatly distressed. And they did say one to another, “How could this be that PEACE hath driven us back and vexed us so mightily?” For many among them were sons of PEACE arrayed in the raiment of the people of America, sowing doubts among the Americans. Zoli was there, disguised as the fairest of fair, and Grakulan, and GlaDOS, reaping the fruit of their discordant talk. For many among the Americans harkened to their sorrowful bewailing.

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But Joe DaSmoe stood up in their midst and cried out in a loud voice: “Americans, listen not to the words of our devious foe, for he lies in wait to strike and to turn brother against brother.” And in doing so, he seized Zoli by the hair and pulled off his fair disguise, revealing his loathsome Magyar countenance. And Joe DaSmoe cast them from their midst, and gave them over to Kazeal, that he might have his way with them. And PEACE did tremble in fear. But the Americans were undisturbed, and NeilP99 summoned them all, saying: “Come let us go instead to the camp of our President, for I hear he is council with mighty Harlot.” And the multitude sallied forth to the place wherein dwelt young President Harrison Richardson.

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Surrounded by his beauteous concubines, even then was Harrison greatly vexed, for Canada was near overrun with PEACE troops, and America itself was being split asunder by Russians, Indonesians, and Portuguese. Before him stood Eugene Harlot, gruff and fearsome to behold, a cigar dangling from his mouth. It was said that Harlot never had wellness lower than 100, not even during battle. “My lord,” Harlot spake, “let me take forth our armies and challenge the enemy here on our soil.” Yet Harrison feared for Harlot’s life that he shouldst enter the field of battle, for he had no more fearsome commander. “Nay,” spake Harrison, “thou must remain here to coordinate.” But Harlot became exceedingly angry, and he plucked his cigar from his mouth and smote it under his foot. “Then I shant fight at all,” protested the brave general, quite vexed, and he turned and left the tent. But Harrison pursued him. “Stay, brave General,” he said quite forcefully. “You shall indeed lead the troops.”

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The armies had assembled once more in the fields of California, and they were in high spirit, for they knew that the great Harlot had taken the field. At his side strode Lucius Varenus of the gleaming helm. And with him were Knojerakk the Brave, and Bastion the strong, Joshua Hoss with his airborne brigades, and John Woodman, the grizzled veteran. There also was AndraX2000 with his machines of war that had befuddled the enemy countless times. As they moved through the army, a great cheer arose from the Americans, and John Barack Bluejacket cried out, “I swear on Dishmcds' Neutral mother, we shall prevail!” And a great cry came up after him pledging the defeat of Dish and his treasonous redcoats.

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And Harlot moved to the fore with a run, and the battle did commence. He sprang into the air, and met GlaDOS on the field of battle. The vicious troll swung his club, but Harlot had the quickness of a gazelle, and leapt o’er it. Harlot called out, taunting, “where is your quick wit and cleverness now, GlaDOS?” Harlot swung his sword as the troll spun on the spot, slashing up the vicious PEACE warrior’s leg. But GlaDOS barely seemed to notice. He raised his club again. “You will never return from this battle, Eugene Harlot, and your soldiers will serve me when we rule the eUSA.” But Harlot answered him not, for his countenance was grim and his rage boiled up within him like the churning sea.

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All about their general, the brave Americans were faltering. Claire Littleton fell to a blow from a fierce Indonesian, LexLuthor1 to a sinister Russian’s blade. Kyle321n fought like a madman, but by five men was finally brought low. Jewitt laughed, his countenance bright and unshaken, yet even then was he toppled by Arthk, the lord of PEACE. But still Harlot fought on.

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The sun sank below the horizon, and rose again, and still Harlot fought. And then midday came, and Americans and PEACE alike lay strewn about in the midst of the battlefield. Yet still Harlot and GlaDOS danced with death. The full 24 hours of the battle were almost accomplished, and neither seemed to falter.

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Finally, with one minute remaining, GlaDOS’ arm quivered with weakness. Harlot laughed. “Epic Fail!” cried he. “Thou couldst not endure!” Thereupon, Harlot charged in on the craven troll, his face alight with rage and glee. But the fell PEACE lord’s eyes gleamed, and he hefted his club once more to smite the great American chief. With base trickery, he had deceived Eugene Harlot. And with a swing of GlaDOS’ great mace, Harlot toppled to the cold, dark earth.

The Americans had lost.
But not all had been lost.
They would fight another day.