Thanks for all the pie!

Day 1,170, 16:49 • Published in USA USA • by GoalieBCSC

SEMI-GENERIC RESIGNATION LETTER

Please choose one option for each section. You have 20 minutes to complete the exam.

Dear
[] friends
[] Romans
[] countrymen
[] my stupid boss who makes me empty the fat fryer every night

It is with
[] a heavy heart
[] great satisfaction
[] childlike wonder and delight
[] drunken tomfoolery

that I am announcing that, effective immediately,
[] all further communications should refer to me as “The Ice Cream Man”
[] I am stepping down as Commanding Officer of the eUS Mobile Infantry and resigning my eUS Military commission.
[] I am tired of waiting for you to ask me, so instead I will ask you, my favorite potted petunia, “Will you marry me?”

My experience in the MI has been
[] the worst experience of my electronic life.
[] a great ride with some very capable and competent people, some of whom have also become my good friends.
[] like a three-day coke-and-ecstasy bender where you wake up in the morning not only missing your pants and wallet, but also wearing half a pair of handcuffs and lying next to a half-dressed orangutan wearing a frilly pink tutu.

It has also been
[] an honor and a privilege
[] a neverending chore
[] more clicks than I ever imagined were needed
to serve the eUnited States of America as a member of its military for the past year and a half.

To my fellow members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,
[] I very much enjoyed working with you all and I look forward to perhaps renewing our partnership in the future, albeit in a different capacity.
[] one day you will look back on this moment and realize the genius that I, GoalieBCSC, represented and you will regret ever crossing me!!!
[] don’t eat the yellow snow.
[] see ya, suckas!!!

And to my compatriots in the MI,
[] beware of that sideswipe guy – you know how crafty and devious those Canadians can be.
[] it was my pleasure to both serve with you and serve as your CO for all these months. I appreciate all of the hard work you all did in keeping the branch running smoothly as an important part of the eUS military corps.
[] please don’t urinate on my resignation papers when I am gone!
[] continue to abuse n4n0 whenever possible.

With my new-found free time, I plan to
[] play a lot of golf.
[] get up off this chair in my grandmother’s basement and walk around a bit so I can shed some of these 400 pounds.
[] run for eUS Congress again because I miss all the fun and excitement of political wrangling.
[] stop playing this game and do something useful with my life.

Soldier on, MI!

GoalieBCSC