Tayto, The Life & Times of a true Irish PATRIOT

Day 589, 06:01 • Published in Ireland Ireland • by Tayto



Tayto’s early career within E-Republic was that of toil and strife working in a state owned company. Life was relevantly uncomplicated, the pay was good and the expectations were limited. Tayto focused on providing for his family (Mrs. Tayto and the 3 small ones) as well as building up that all important Military Strength.

Then on 576th when I was out in the Fields pulling the “Weeds” , this eejit comes through the farm at full gallop trampling the 5* crop. Holy mother of God…..It was Nith …..President Nith…..roaring at the top of his Voice “The British are Coming, The British are Coming, Get Ready for Battle” and then he was away in a flash, leaving a trail of dust and muttering something about not getting too excited or spending.

“Not getting too excited”!!!!…..Well “Feck it” the Brits are attacking (I did think at the time that it was jolly nice of them to tell us what time they were coming though), what’s to be done first……..Call the Wife…..I broke the News to her, told her of the countries plight, and of seeing our President on his fine steed. I told her to empty the bank account including the kids trust funds and call the cousins in America for support and to keep the spuds warm. I’d be late.

So banks emptied and bags packed with my NEW*3 weapons it was off to Dublin then. (Going to Shannon the long way around)








Well when I got to Dublin, I went straight to Croke Park, where I knew I could find a UK Flag and then start a traditional “Burn a Union Jack Party” , you know the type!!, ……just to get the blood of the locals up……(us culchies have a fair bit of passion).

Then from out of the blue……I’m attacked and given the mother of all beatings by elements of my own states security forces……….”What the hell is going on here…boys” I shout out. “You’re under arrest for offenses against the State” came the reply. “Whatttttttttt the hell boyos” I’m here to defend my country against the Brits, ready to put my butt on the line,……….*then darkness* can’t remember much more as my world went black from a rap to the head will a “state” mallet.

In the morning I awoke in a large holding cell, with a whole bunch of other citizens from all parts of the world, muttering sad tones about Nith, the British ploy, the Cost of travel & weapons, Civil War, Impeachment ohhhh and of course the weather. I listened intensely and put the pieces of the conversations together……….”It was just a training exercise”……..well my Heart Stopped ……WHAT!!! The FECK!!!! , I dropped to my knees and curled up with the pain, the type of pain that an aspirin will not take away………..The pain of BETRAYAL.









The next thing I knew I was in a courtroom, surrounded by all these fine dressed gents and ladies with their posh D4 accents and a bunch of gawkers in back mad for blood…… I told the court that I could not afford a defence as all my savings were gone, ……it made no difference, the judge blew the whistle …..it was TAYTO vs STATE…. game on.

The prosecution launched a verbal attack on my reputation, my humble origins, my dress sense, my physique, and my love of economics. It went on and on….till eventually his “Lordship” stepped in and listed the charges and asked how I responded to each:

1. CHARGE: Incighting violence against another state.
RESPONSE: I just started to say “Well Nith said……”*the Judge shut me up* and also got a dig in the side from the keystone cop alongside me.
2. CHARGE: Carrying and Displaying weapons in public places
RESPONSE: “Me and the whole nation on day 576 and now my beautiful New Q3 Weapons have been nicked…..*My eyes water*
3. CHARGE: Behaving in a threatening manner
RESPONSE: “So would you, judge (i replied), if you were getting ready for battle”
4. CHARGE: Fire Hazard
RESPONSE: Well……….
CHARGE: Urinating on Croke Park
5. RESPONSE: Ahhhh Jesus, what could I do the toilets were been used as a weapons store

I was then asked by the court, if I had anything to ad😛

Well I was going to do the Braveheart thing “Give me Freedom or give me Death”...on this occasion I thought that would be a bit over the top....so with an angry tone in my voice I started “Nith Said”, the court went quiet….A pin dropped and I heard it. “Nith Said the British were coming it’s WAR ” I shouted in a voice that echoed through the building.

The prosecution responded with the question “Did Nith say anything else”………..and I then explained that Nith did mumble something about “saving your gold and money for another battle”, But I went onto explain..that in Ireland that’s like telling a Drunk with a fierce thirst to go home to bed ......IMPOSSIBLE.

rom oneAnyway, that did not go down too well, his lordship said “Tayto this court finds you guilty on all counts, you are sentenced to 6 hours in Dublin castle”. Ahhh Jesus what will I tell the wife now....








On the way over to serve my sentence in Dublin castle I met with a right bunch of hard men called the “Foreign legion”, which I thought was a bit of a laugh, because some of them had “Langer” accents, but they were sound, and helped me carry my “stuff” and shopping.

They, I found out had just returned to the defence of e-Ireland (fair dues to them) from of those wild places you see in national geographic. Well we had some craic and they are great to go for a drink with ..2 Beers ...1 for me and 1 for them with 10 straws....they were really into this commune living.....

Anyway when we got to Dublin castle above we were just in time to wave goodbye to the MOD in his nice new shiny helicopter (top right) and he left a “WOMAN” in charge??? that’s right a WOMAN!!!, Holy mother of God I thought we were “doomed” until I heard her Kerry Accent dishing out orders over the Foreign Legions walkie talkies, Christ I was glad not to be in the IDF with this lassie about as she sounds like a tough “BIRD" even Lieutenant Manni was breaking a sweat.

Well that was one of those days things could not get much worse for me...Lost my Cash, Lost my Gold, Lost my Job, Lost the family and my new Q3 weapons, banned from the IDF due to my new criminal record. I don’t even have a party sholder to cry upon since I publicly tore up my IUP membership card……. mean how bad can a Castle Prison Cell be???








BAD…………..“Well feck this for a game of soldiers”!!!……”I am a Political Prisoner….get me out of here”, but no one would listen, mainly because I was in solitary confinement. I tried “pipe tapping” you know doing that Morse Code stuff in the films, but not one wally in here had a clue of Morse, so we ended up harmonizing our taps and singing “We will Rock You” by Queen after which we tapped out a decade of the rosary for Nith and prayed that he would find his way

These were my 6 long “dark hours” and I just knew there would be no presidential pardon. I had to “dig” real deep, before I found the light……No not the “God” light stuff, I am talking “economics”, hallelujah……….but more about that in the next edition.