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Strange Things That Happen in Airport Bathrooms

Ed. Note: When we last left Rex, he had called a telephone number scribbled onto a napkin by a Starbucks barista, and was warned by the voice on the other end of the line that San Francisco Airport security was after him (probably because he was, as usual, naked and high,) and that he should meet the stranger in the bathroom. Rex did as ordered and came face-to-face with Arnold Schwarzenegger…in drag. Now things really get weird.



"You again," I casually remarked to California's governor. "You know, you never called after we did, you know, that thing. With those midgets. At that bar mitzvah we crashed." I'm not going to lie; this wasn't the first time I'd seen Schwarzenegger wearing a dress and makeup in an airport bathroom. In fact, if I had a dime for every time, I'd be-

"Ja, Ja, I'm sorry about dat, but dat's not important now." He looked around nervously before whispering, "Come with me if you want to live." I knew I'd heard that line before, and something told me that if I listened to him mayhem, chaos and death would follow. Being a big fan of mayhem, chaos and death (well, the death of clowns, anyway,) I was intrigued. "Go on," I replied non-committedly.

"Doze people chasing you out dere are not da police, they are the eRep gloom squad, and they will not rest until you and people like you are terminated." I considered telling him that there is NO ONE like me (just ask your sister,) but that seemed boastful, and actually completely untrue. I have this twin brother, you see. Maybe you've heard of him. His name is-

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you say 'gloom squad?' I can never understand you with that ridiculous accent. You meant to say 'goon squad,' of course." I of course have had some experience with goon squads, pitchfork-toting villagers and irate fathers of farmer girls. What can I say? It's been an interesting life.

"NEIN! I said 'gloom squad!' Tink about it! Every time you showed some personality, who shouted you down for being a 'role player?' Whenever you talked about fun, who insulted you with taunts day you knew nutting about 'game mechanics?' If you engaged in the slightest bit of forum humor, who called you a troll?"

I chewed on that for a minute. "I dunno? Uptight teenage boys who need to get outside more, and, without a doubt, laid?"

"NEIN! Yell, actually 'Ja,' but dere also da 'goon squad.' They will not give up until this game is completely devoid of fun! Now, come wit me if you want to live." He then peeked out the bathroom door to see if the coast was clear. "We need to get to Cacophony Society HQ now. TO DA CHOPPA!" With that he grabbed my wristed with his manicured and nail-polished hand and dashed back into the airport concourse.

As I was being dragged naked through the food court, I couldn't help but wonder if "Cacophony Society" was code for "a bar mitzvah with monkeys." God, I hoped so. Nothing interesting had happened in my life lately.

What is the Cacophony Society? What's the deal with Rex' monkey fetish? Wait…did Rex say he has a twin brother? These questions and more will be answered if (and only if) you subscribed to Penguin Bowling Balls