Solving America's Problems

Day 428, 09:21 • Published in USA USA • by NeilP99

Most of us have read articles lately about how we Americans aren’t having enough fun, how we’re too serious, how we suck, or how we aren’t fungasming enough. I’ll admit that I have been as guilty as anyone else when it comes to some of these things. The problem has only been made worse by the recent problems with logging on to eRepublik. Therefore, I present my solution to the problem America is facing:

TIPS ON HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY!!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom at work. Don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

5. In the memo field of all your checks write “For Marijuana”.

6. Skip down the hall instead of walking and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify that your drive through order is “To go”.

9. Sing along at the opera.

10. Tell your friends that you can’t attend their party five days in advance because you have a headache.

11. When money comes out of the ATM scream, “I won! I won!”

12. When you leave the zoo, run towards the parking lot screaming, “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”

13. At dinner, tell your children, “Due to the economy I’m going to have to let one of you go”.

14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter, then ask where their fitting room is.