So You Lost The Election

Day 1,131, 23:04 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 19
"WHAT? Jesus beat me in the quote contest : (" ~Paul Proteus, Won His Election


Mexicans Mysteriously Disappear
American government personnel are baffled by the disappearance of hundreds of Mexican citizens. "They were here when we invaded, I'm sure," said an agent of the CIA, who threatened to slit our throats if we revealed her true identity (hint: may or may not rhyme with Bare It-all-a-ton). "But when we turned around, they were gone!"


(Where are all the people?)

"It's actually really great," said a spokesperson for Premier Haliman, the secret ruler of America, as reported on in The Fieldist. "It was going to be so difficult to round up all the Mexicans and force them to work in factories for poor wages. But now we can enjoy their beaches without all that hassle of 'human rights and dignity' that the rest of the world seems to be so keen on."


Do You Really Care?
Things are happening outside of the USA, but it's election season, and really, aren't we all really focused on that? Besides which, do you even know who the President of France is off the top of your head? Know any Iranians? Are the Communists in power in Russia?


(There's something happening here, but you don't know what it is)

Just listen to your Bob Dylan songs, and focus on America. Taxes are too high, right? Did we just beat Mexico? How about that USWP, huh? Yeah, you know what I mean. I'm sure there's some ladies in skimpy clothing you can be drooling over instead of paying attention to world events. If you do focus on things outside of America, you know what that is? Fascism!


So You've Lost The Election
Yes, the votes are in, and even your party has written you off. Someone's very discreetly told you to stop shouting "vote for me" (or they told you to "shut the [expletive] up"). So what do you do now?

Put down the sock and spray paint. That's right, real easy. No, whiskey's not a good idea. Heroin? Where'd you get that from? No! No! Put down the gun! There's other routes.

Blame the Party. You lost because the party didn't assign you enough voters. That's right! Stupid [insert your party]. What's the point of them voting in Florida and California anyway? There's only one thing to do. Destroy your party from the inside. Just like they destroyed your dreams.

Blame the Other Parties. The other parties combined against you. They were worried about you, about how you'd crush them beneath your iron heel, rallying the people to your cause. Those rascally enemies of the true voice of America. Well, they won't like it when you have your chance to take revenge. From now on, nurse a hatred of opposition parties.


(Did you want that? Did you? Well you can't have it!)

Blame the Elites. It's the crappy elites that rule the country anyway. They don't want anyone in their precious club. Just who they like. Well, at least you have your paper to cry in and rail against them. Let them feel your wrath in unintelligible prose. Even those new congress people are due it.

Blame the People. People? They don't qualify for that honor. Sheeple more like it. That's right, you said it! They weren't ready. Or they're too stupid. That's it. They weren't ready for you, and they're too stupid to understand the greatness that is you.

The very important thing is to not blame yourself. You're perfect in every way. After all, it's not like you could have looked around for voters and secured them before the election. You couldn't have gotten friendly with party leaders and been in a position to direct votes. And you're certainly couldn't be more well-liked. Right?

Wystan's Raiders: We Rock


Join the Libertarian Writers' Guild, be among the best in American Journalism, click the bar!


Want instant notification the minute a new Fieldist hits the shelf? Friend SamWystan, and get the exclusive Fieldist shouts!

The best quote on The Fieldist will be used for the next issue.