Join the new world

* Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

* The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it's still on the list.

* Light travels faster than sound; this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Having Kids Test:

* Toy Test:
Obtain large box of tin tacks. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

* Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

* Supermarket Test:
Borrow one or two small animals [goats are excellent] and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

* Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

* Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug, half fill with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

* Car Test:
Forget the BMW and buy an estate car. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 10p piece. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

* Messiness Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

* Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with a quantity of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pmGet up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful all the time.

* Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.