Raptors: Canada's Greatest Threat

Day 866, 19:57 • Published in Canada Canada • by Francois L. Pignon

Research conducted by a team of top Canadian scientists has concluded that dinosaurs belonging to the family Dromaeosauridae are the greatest threat to Canada, finishing in front of poutine-mongering Quebecois separatists, Phoenix and rabid moose.

The study, conducted over the last 6 months, compiled and analyzed data relating to raptor migratory patterns since their escape from Isla Nublar, 90km off the Costa Rican coast in early 1994.

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Raptor migratory patterns since 1994, the darker lines indicate most recent migrations.

"Oh my yes, the raptors certainly pose a threat to Canada," chief scientist Dr. Howard Wigglesworth said Sunday, "We've been lucky until now, they seem to prefer the more tender flesh of our Argentine and Brazilian enemies."

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Raptors have continued to move north and as of late 2009, have crossed the Canadian border, rudely ignoring and often times eating border agents.

"I fear that we will see raptor attacks rise quite significantly unless we quickly take drastic measures," Dr. Wigglesworth told the Blue Moose Gazette.

The newly formed Canadian Society for Raptor Attack Prevention is the most recent attempt at combating a raptor infestation of Canada.

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"We've started distributing heavily discounted pump action shotguns to anybody over age 6 who is interested in protecting their household from raptor attacks," said CSRAP spokesperson Ned Osgood.

"We should have much more specific information very soon, currently we only know that raptors have a top speed of 25 m/s and can open doors. They do not know fear."

CSRAP intends on distributing pamphlets of information within the next two weeks and is in the process of setting up branches in major cities across Canada.

"Of course Canada can fight this," Osgood said in a shaky voice, "but it's not going to be pretty. We're going to have to give up our hockey sticks for AK-47s, for the time being."

The Blue Moose Gazette is Canada's #1 source for raptor information.